so... I got busy.

I can't believe that the last time I wrote was October 28th! My life is going by so fast I can't even keep track of the months or the days.

First I'll just update you and let you know that Wil and I are no longer dating. After a very eventful 21st birthday, which I will never forget, the next morning we talked and I sort of let him down as easy as I could in my very hungover state. He was sweet and all, but there was no real spark. I could have tried harder, I could have given it time, but honestly, being in college makes me a little selfish. I didn't see it going anywhere so I kind of had to make the decision to take back the time I would be spending with him and refocus it towards school and just "me" time. Also, I know how it feels to be heart-broken, or whatever you want to call it, and I knew that the sooner I did it the less it probably would hurt. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I can't explain why not, and I didn't realize until I dated Wil, how many trust issues that I had overcome at some point in the previous year that came back to me. It's insane to think so, and quite stupid, but it's the truth.
I just can't look at it any differently than the idea that even the guy (not Wil, the person from earlier this semester) who is willing to risk all he has to be with you will still end up screwing you over and making you feel/look like an idiot. The guy who you have the easiest time letting down your walls to will be the person who makes you want to keep them up more than ever to others in the future. The guy who you had no interest in before he was interested in you is the guy who you continue to think about, NOT want, over and over again.
I see now that he is a shitty person, but that doesn't change the fact that he fooled me more than anyone else to think that he was something so much more than he ended up to be. I think a part of it was that I made myself blind to the situation, which I kick myself for being so vulnerable, but at the same time, he pretended to be someone so much greater than himself. I guess we all do this to an extent; you meet someone and you talk about all your good qualities, and not your bad, but if you're really looking to give the idea of any relationship a chance, you've got to talk about your flaws. I'm not talking about little flaws, such as body insecurities or lack of self-confidence, I'm talking about big, ugly, I-might-hate-you-if-you-didn't-have-other-qualities kinds of flaws. I shared those. If I have to find out about those flaws from either someone else, or from you being a crappy person to me, I am not going to take it as well.
I know I over-think things, but I just can't live with myself sometimes. How could I ever be so naive?
I just want to erase some people out of my life. I think that I have successfully done this in the past, and maybe I still can with more time, but you can never really get rid of memories. They make us who we are, no matter what they are, and we have to seek out a way to bring us strength. I just hate feeling like a memory is making me weaker. I need to find a way for this silly memory to bring me strength and stop acting like it's giving me a broken wing.
I think that my life consists of many days where I wake up and things are just different. I come to realizations in my dreams. I might feel bitter about a situation for months and one random morning wake up and think nothing of it.

So far I have been taking steps to being less bitter. I've realized the situation...
1. Let me get a lot closer to JPaul, who is a dependable friend. Though in this situation we both ended up hurt, we talked and we have helped each other a lot.
2. Brought me two GREAT friends into my life... Allison and Alan. They are precious and they make me smile so much. I can't wait to become even closer to them.
3. I learned that sometimes the only way to decide if something is a good decision to pursue is to look at EVERYONE that might be affected by it, and put that in account to. Yes, it's important to do things that will make you happy, but it's also important to try not to hurt people if at all possible.

I'm not even sad in life, I am VERY happy person, just some songs and some nights remind me of what happened and I feel a little aching of my heart. I know I have so much potential, I have so SO many great people and things in my life, and I can NOT let someone so fake affect me so real.
It's quite too late to continue, but know, sometimes writing just helps me make sense of it all. I feel better.
Anywho, good night all. love is not gone, just lost.