My body is on a 20 hour g0-cycle.
I feel restless.
I feel like there are a million things I should be doing all the time.
I can't stop thinking about all the things that could potentially be bad, but at the current moment, I can't do anything about.
It's so late; why am I not asleep like everyone else?
I need to be up early tomorrow.
Deep breaths.
I'm on auto-pilot.
Is it Aug.12 yet?
Maybe I'll sleep while I'm in Chicago this coming week.
In and out.
My head is spinning. POUNDING!
I'm not only thinking about him, like a dumb girl, but I'm also thinking about her.
I can't leave with unfinished business, but I don't have the strength to face her alone. I'm not sure how else it would even be feasible though. She wouldn't open it. Either way it's going to be a cry-fest. It hurts even thinking about having a conversation with her. Why did she have to screw everything up? I think I'm a terrible person for saying it like that, but that's how I feel. If she wouldn't had started hanging with the wrong crowd, doing bad things, and blowing off the things that had been constant in her life, such as her true friends and her family, we would still be friends. We would both being going away to college in the fall, promising to keep in touch. All I want now is to stay out of touch. I'm miserable for feeling this way.
I'm starting to realize that this whole "him" thing was all in my head. It was never meant to be anything but a temporary smile in life. It's a reminder that I would very much appreciate a relationship, and I need to stop being so afraid to open up and feel in front of boys. The fear of the hurt can not be worse than the fear of being alone.
One month from today, I'll be moving on. Moving out of state, out of the comfort zone, out of consistency. I'm all on my own. It's time to "Live, Learn, Love"(to which I can not figure out who the artist to this song is).
My fingers tremble with anticipation and at the same time anxiety.
Deep breaths. In and out.
Yeah, pretty much I'm insane.
