I should really be studying, or sleeping, or working, or anything else besides writing, but this is what I do. Writing is how I deal with life and how I am sure that I will never forget.
Nate and I have been some intense times since I wrote last. It wasn't as easy to just be his friend as I initially thought, or maybe just wished. I had tons of feelings for him still, and he was at least still attracted to me, so us hanging out was difficult that first week. The next week(this past week) it was easier, until we both had a few drinks. We didn't do anything, we respected the fact that we were going to stay friends, but we were both frustrated, and ended up sleeping side-by-side that night, not sure of what to do. Truthfully, that night probably helped me more than ever. He told me exactly why he is with his girlfriend, and that made me feel good. I didn't want him to be with her if he was unhappy, even if he wasn't with me either. It was a powerful night that led to much drama since it was mildly inappropriate and there were other eyes who saw the next day(again, nothing happened). This drama is still quite an issue I guess, but I'm ignoring it. Our mutual friend was very upset and informed me of how he felt last night. I feel like a terrible person in one sense, but in another, I feel like I'm not the bad guy. I'm single. I was a little under the influence of alcohol, and I made an effort to control myself a lot. I know that I could have said no from the very beginning, but why? I am so lucky, as much as it's kind of messed up sometimes, to have this great friend... that 95% of the time I'm totally chill relaxed nbd with... and then that one time that we felt things again, it blows everything up into something crazy. I am, at the point, almost ready to tell Nate I need a break just so that people stop talking, but honestly, I don't think I can do it. It is stupid and ridiculous, but to be completely truthful, no one else can put up with me for as much time as he does. I guess I'm just at a point in my life where I want some stability though... and this is anything but. I'm ready to just be his friend, and i've tried, but he is constantly saying and doing things to make it more difficult... and they are desirable things so I can't just turn them off.
BUT... I may have a new crush to make this whole situation easier/possibly just adding complication to my life. I would ramble on about him, but I know nothing more than his name is Wil, he seems funny and cute with his big head of curly hair, according to my friends he is super smart(honors program kid) and he has a good heart. I am definitely willing to talk to him, not just as a rebound, but because he made a very good first impression on me Saturday night when we were playing games at my friend Briana's apt.
I'm falling asleep mid-post, so I should probably go to bed.
I feel like there were a lot more things I wanted to write, but I can't remember.
Oh, I started a video blog! http://www.youtube.com/user/Coffeehiccupsandlove?feature=mhee ! It's pretty stupid, but I like it. It's fun and silly and also a great stress reliever.
Night all! <3
