so... I got busy.

I can't believe that the last time I wrote was October 28th! My life is going by so fast I can't even keep track of the months or the days.

First I'll just update you and let you know that Wil and I are no longer dating. After a very eventful 21st birthday, which I will never forget, the next morning we talked and I sort of let him down as easy as I could in my very hungover state. He was sweet and all, but there was no real spark. I could have tried harder, I could have given it time, but honestly, being in college makes me a little selfish. I didn't see it going anywhere so I kind of had to make the decision to take back the time I would be spending with him and refocus it towards school and just "me" time. Also, I know how it feels to be heart-broken, or whatever you want to call it, and I knew that the sooner I did it the less it probably would hurt. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I can't explain why not, and I didn't realize until I dated Wil, how many trust issues that I had overcome at some point in the previous year that came back to me. It's insane to think so, and quite stupid, but it's the truth.
I just can't look at it any differently than the idea that even the guy (not Wil, the person from earlier this semester) who is willing to risk all he has to be with you will still end up screwing you over and making you feel/look like an idiot. The guy who you have the easiest time letting down your walls to will be the person who makes you want to keep them up more than ever to others in the future. The guy who you had no interest in before he was interested in you is the guy who you continue to think about, NOT want, over and over again.
I see now that he is a shitty person, but that doesn't change the fact that he fooled me more than anyone else to think that he was something so much more than he ended up to be. I think a part of it was that I made myself blind to the situation, which I kick myself for being so vulnerable, but at the same time, he pretended to be someone so much greater than himself. I guess we all do this to an extent; you meet someone and you talk about all your good qualities, and not your bad, but if you're really looking to give the idea of any relationship a chance, you've got to talk about your flaws. I'm not talking about little flaws, such as body insecurities or lack of self-confidence, I'm talking about big, ugly, I-might-hate-you-if-you-didn't-have-other-qualities kinds of flaws. I shared those. If I have to find out about those flaws from either someone else, or from you being a crappy person to me, I am not going to take it as well.
I know I over-think things, but I just can't live with myself sometimes. How could I ever be so naive?
I just want to erase some people out of my life. I think that I have successfully done this in the past, and maybe I still can with more time, but you can never really get rid of memories. They make us who we are, no matter what they are, and we have to seek out a way to bring us strength. I just hate feeling like a memory is making me weaker. I need to find a way for this silly memory to bring me strength and stop acting like it's giving me a broken wing.
I think that my life consists of many days where I wake up and things are just different. I come to realizations in my dreams. I might feel bitter about a situation for months and one random morning wake up and think nothing of it.

So far I have been taking steps to being less bitter. I've realized the situation...
1. Let me get a lot closer to JPaul, who is a dependable friend. Though in this situation we both ended up hurt, we talked and we have helped each other a lot.
2. Brought me two GREAT friends into my life... Allison and Alan. They are precious and they make me smile so much. I can't wait to become even closer to them.
3. I learned that sometimes the only way to decide if something is a good decision to pursue is to look at EVERYONE that might be affected by it, and put that in account to. Yes, it's important to do things that will make you happy, but it's also important to try not to hurt people if at all possible.

I'm not even sad in life, I am VERY happy person, just some songs and some nights remind me of what happened and I feel a little aching of my heart. I know I have so much potential, I have so SO many great people and things in my life, and I can NOT let someone so fake affect me so real.
It's quite too late to continue, but know, sometimes writing just helps me make sense of it all. I feel better.
Anywho, good night all. love is not gone, just lost.

Oh, how things change so fast!

So, to make this blog post shorter I'll mainly focus on the good things in life.
Nate is a douche and we are no longer friends.

But that's okay! I've got Wil! We are now DATING! I can't tell you the last time I could actually say that.
He's wonderful. He's so sweet, always complimenting me, wanting to know more about me, plays along with my lame jokes and antics, appreciates my hiccups, and is willing to work with my through all my personal walls. We both have a lot of self control and know that the emotional stuff needs to be on lockdown before physical things happen. He's a little younger, so it makes me feel weird at times, but life isn't how you expect it most of the time, so I'm running with it! All his friends are great, and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. I can tell that I am more mature than him, just because I've experienced two more years of college than him, and grew up in an entirely different environment, but there are also other situations where I can tell he has one up on me. We have good communication skills so far, so that's good, and he makes me smile so big.
I get kind of weird sometimes because I don't want to hang out with him so much yet, because I don't want him to get bored of me...and so that he has time to miss me. Also, it helps things go slower. I'm in no rush...and honestly I'm just having fun right now. It's fun to be with him, and it's nice to talk to someone who has very similar views on life as I do.
I really need to be working on homework while I'm skipping class. I just wanted to give a short update.
Also, Wil and I are both being lions for Halloween...it's going to be adorable. :D

Wednesday, I mean... Monday!

I should really be studying, or sleeping, or working, or anything else besides writing, but this is what I do. Writing is how I deal with life and how I am sure that I will never forget.

Nate and I have been some intense times since I wrote last. It wasn't as easy to just be his friend as I initially thought, or maybe just wished. I had tons of feelings for him still, and he was at least still attracted to me, so us hanging out was difficult that first week. The next week(this past week) it was easier, until we both had a few drinks. We didn't do anything, we respected the fact that we were going to stay friends, but we were both frustrated, and ended up sleeping side-by-side that night, not sure of what to do. Truthfully, that night probably helped me more than ever. He told me exactly why he is with his girlfriend, and that made me feel good. I didn't want him to be with her if he was unhappy, even if he wasn't with me either. It was a powerful night that led to much drama since it was mildly inappropriate and there were other eyes who saw the next day(again, nothing happened). This drama is still quite an issue I guess, but I'm ignoring it. Our mutual friend was very upset and informed me of how he felt last night. I feel like a terrible person in one sense, but in another, I feel like I'm not the bad guy. I'm single. I was a little under the influence of alcohol, and I made an effort to control myself a lot. I know that I could have said no from the very beginning, but why? I am so lucky, as much as it's kind of messed up sometimes, to have this great friend... that 95% of the time I'm totally chill relaxed nbd with... and then that one time that we felt things again, it blows everything up into something crazy. I am, at the point, almost ready to tell Nate I need a break just so that people stop talking, but honestly, I don't think I can do it. It is stupid and ridiculous, but to be completely truthful, no one else can put up with me for as much time as he does. I guess I'm just at a point in my life where I want some stability though... and this is anything but. I'm ready to just be his friend, and i've tried, but he is constantly saying and doing things to make it more difficult... and they are desirable things so I can't just turn them off.
BUT... I may have a new crush to make this whole situation easier/possibly just adding complication to my life. I would ramble on about him, but I know nothing more than his name is Wil, he seems funny and cute with his big head of curly hair, according to my friends he is super smart(honors program kid) and he has a good heart. I am definitely willing to talk to him, not just as a rebound, but because he made a very good first impression on me Saturday night when we were playing games at my friend Briana's apt.
I'm falling asleep mid-post, so I should probably go to bed.
I feel like there were a lot more things I wanted to write, but I can't remember.
Oh, I started a video blog! http://www.youtube.com/user/Coffeehiccupsandlove?feature=mhee ! It's pretty stupid, but I like it. It's fun and silly and also a great stress reliever.

Night all! <3

Junior Year-- just the beginning!

School has been absolutely insane, mostly awesomely insane!

Classes are good, but I'm not going to write about them really because they aren't really on my mind right now. Just know that I'm taking 19 hours and it is quite a load.

SAI has been kind of stressful this semester, but we had a good, emotional meeting tonight that was very beneficial toward our fraternity.

This past week was one of the best of college and maybe of my entire life. i met someone named Nate Beam, who even though he was already in a relationship, I took a chance to really get to know. Over the course of the week, both of us had shared so many things about ourselves that no one else knows and experienced so many fun times. I even got to go out to the country and shoot a machine-looking bb-gun! It was amazing! I loved every second of it, well, for the most part. It was quite interesting to be played so hot and cold, between his feelings for me and his girlfriend. I subconsciously knew that we would never be more than friends, but had false hope that it might go somewhere. His girlfriend came to town this past weekend and they figured things out. I was pretty upset when I figured this out on my own, cried a good amount, definitely more than I thought I would. I felt like it was just another attempt at something that didn't work out, but then saw that it was a good thing, because I could still have hope that if I was that other girl, I would be able to keep my long-term relationship over just two people having a great week. So I was a big girl and I went to talk to him about it.
We talked, I teared up a bit, but I stayed strong. I told him how I felt, how much it hurt, but how strangely I still wanted to be his best friend. I know that I should hate him for leading me on, or for not picking me, but I don't. I don't hate him one bit, and I can't wait to have a constant best friend in my life I can just talk to about things and have a good time with. I don't think anyone else will ever understand, but as long as him and I do, that's all that matters.
As I have said so many times on this blog, friendships are better than boyfriend/girlfriend relationships anyways( NO I AM NOT A PATHETIC SINGLE PERSON ANYONE WHO READS THIS THINKING SO) because it is just so much more pure and free of pressure. If you are friends, that's it. Plain and simple. You may be wondering how I'm over such a week of pure hope and risk all with a single conversation of closer, and I truly can not tell you. I just know that I have met one amazing person and I hope to keep them in my life, and it doesn't matter to me that it isn't in a romantic way. Life is about so much more than having someone to cuddle with at night, or someone who will tell you that you are beautiful. Life is about having people that you can count on and that can make you grow as a person. You have to have people that will challenge you and make you question things that you may have just taken for granted. This is Nate to me. He may never truly understand how great this experience was for me, but I have grown up a lot from the younger Kathy.
Over and out. Time to catch some ZZZ's! More to write later!

Summer is about over, but it's finishing out strong.

What a summer!
It's had its bad times, it has had its good times, difficult work days, and exciting/crazy nights with my friends... It has been an adventure.
Recently the two events in my life I would like to document would have to be skydiving and meeting Chase(ton).

Skydiving was pretty much the most exciting activity I've ever participated in. No stomach drop feeling, but definitely a flying feeling that is irreplaceable. Stepping my two feet onto a platform no bigger than a plank of wood at 11,000 feet in the air was unlike any other experience in my life. It makes me want to live life on the edge (literally and metaphorically) more often and truly continuing to live life to the the fullest. I want to go again for sure and maybe even try to do it without being attached to someone else! I want a new adrenaline rush... it's my favorite feeling.
The next exciting/interesting thing I did this summer, actually the same weekend as skydiving was meet Chase. He's my sister Laura's friend from high school. We had breakfast at his house one of the mornings we were in St.Louis and something about him made me want to see him again... so I facebook stalked him and added him as a friend. We talked on there for about a day, and then he gave me his number. We texted for two weeks and then tonight we finally hung out, just him and I. We saw Little Shop Of Horrors at the Muny! It was a really great show and we had a great time! Afterwards, we went to Coffee Cartel in the Central West End for some delicious drinks and some good conversation. Eventually we were both too tired to even make conversation so I drove him back to his car. We hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. I don't know what his purpose in my life is, other than make me think a lot deeper about things, but if anything, I can see us being good long-distance friends. I hope that him and I keep in contact because not only have a read a great book because of him, The Picture of Dorian Gray, but also I've thought a lot harder about my life and some ways that I worry too much about things. I am living in the moment though and happy that I had a wonderful time with an interesting person. If I never saw him again, it would be a shame, but I can deal with the fact that tonight was exactly what I needed to get over the bitterness the summer has caused me to have.

Anyways, time for sleep.
-Living for now because the past is gone and tomorrow is unpredictable.-

Summer!

Driving always gets me thinking.
I drove to Bowling Green on Tuesday for my BlueCotton internship training.
It poured the whole way back, but that meant that I had to drive a lot slower than normal, so I got to think a lot.
I got to thinking about how beautiful the world is, how beautiful my friends are, and especially how beautiful life is. Sure, there are days when I'm just plain crabby because I can be, but the majority of the time, I see the world we live in as something magical. Wearing my glasses helps this as well, because everything is crisp and fresh-looking.
I can't wait for this weekend to get here. I'm going home to go to Pride Festival in Tower Grove Park! I love all my gay and lesbian friends and can't wait to go support them. It's a shame that not everyone supports them, but it's awesome that the can have a weekend just to shove it in those ignorant people's faces. We celebrate freedom and tolerance.

If tolerance was something that everyone had, we would have so much more peace in this world. Tolerance doesn't mean you have to agree with someone else's beliefs or life choices, but it means that you will support that their views are different than yours and they have the right to have them. You support that they believe in something.
Maybe I'm not going to go out and make out with a girl (not that I haven't), but I support that girls can be intimate with each other if they want to. This goes for so many other instances in life as well... I love people of difference races, even though they are different than mine. I love people of different religions, even though I do not share the same beliefs/practices. I love those with mental disabilities, even though they think different than I. I have tolerance. I may not believe in all the partying and obsessive drinking that goes into many college students, but I respect that it is their choice to make. I realize that the world isn't black and white. It doesn't have a "right way" or a "wrong way". Plus, people aren't black and white either. Maybe they have some beliefs that you don't agree with, but I'm sure there are other things that the both of you have in common that they are also made up of. We aren't just 3-D beings, but honestly, we have hundreds of dimensions. Maybe she's a Buddhist, writer, painter, singer who happens to also believe in women's rights just as much as you do. Maybe he's a African American lawyer who has adopted 6 Muslim children from Afghanistan, but also he's into rebuilding victorian houses just as much as his neighbor. Do these things in common make these people friends? No, not necessarily, but it should make them tolerant. It should make them see that these people are also humans and have the right to lead their lives in the way they choose, and they should respect that.
I would love to write forever about this, but it's time for my 8 hour shift at the pool! Oh joy! :D
I'll write soon.

June Nights!

I'm laying in bed writing because I'm not nearly tired enough to sleep.
Summer is going good. The pool is a nice place to work for the most part, especially on days I don't have to be manager.
I just miss my city, adventures, and late nights with Faith pondering life. I miss 5 a.m visits to Kathryn's front room couch to watch an episode or two of Law and Order. I miss coffee-shops and bookstores.
I need to stop sleeping so much. It's going to run me into this monotonous pattern everyday that's going to lead to me being depressed. I realized this tonight when I caught myself painting my nails and playing word games with strangers on my phone for fun. I need something to be dangerous, exciting, daring, or fun to happen. My life is nothing but working, watching movies/tv, and sleeping. I played with puppies and kitties at the animal shelter today, and worked out....but still, that's not what my empty spot needs to feel fulfilled.
If I could just find someone or something to occupy my time, that didn't feel like a chore, I could feel somewhat satisfied.
I guess I was warned that Murray is pretty dead in the summer, but I guess a lot of other factors outweighed that factor when making that decision.
Do I regret it? No, not necessarily because I still have a better job and living situation, but I still wish that we had at least somewhere here I could sit up late at night writing or reading besides my apartment. I wish that my best friends I grew up with were here to get into trouble with me, or that there was trouble to get into. I don't even have the excitement of sneaking in or out anymore.
New goal of summer- get excited about THIS life.
Anywys, it's almost my sad new brain bedtime.
Out!

Summer '11

Hello folks.
I'm hoping by writing this will help me feel better when I have to sit for four hours tomorrow for my CIV class. : /
Anyways... updates in life...
-Finished off the semester pretty strong, grades were decent.
-Moved into an apartment with my three of my sisters: Tatiana, Amanda, and Becca. My room is nice and teal...it makes me happy to have my own space, but at the same time share space with amazing people that I love.
-Got a job at the Murray pool this summer. I start on Saturday!
-I'm taking a 2-week World Civ class that is completely insane...but hopefully I can make a B in it at least!
-Finished Season 5 of Dexter!
-Cried during last week's episode of Glee.
-I'm starting a health-kick as of tomorrow(hopefully) for the rest of the summer.
-I love Green River Ordinance and Mumford and Sons at this point in time.
-I think I need some serious sleep.

I have been thinking about lately, since it's officially been a year now since I've truly dated someone, and I've realized that I am independent and picky, but being with someone wouldn't be the end of the world... I need to actually give people a chance.
I will be alone forever at this rate if I don't even give a guy a single date. I haven't felt very pretty lately... My acne is been out of control and I've definitely put on some extra weight. I hope that swimming and getting tan this summer helps with that this summer.
I think that summer is the perfect time to meet someone because I have no true excuse of being too busy to actually spend time and get to know them... but we shall see how that goes. I feel like the place I was last year at this time is so much different than where i am now in my life. I feel that I have a lot more pride in who I am and who I deserve than I did then...and also how I should be treated by others. I still have a long way to go, but it's coming along.
Okay, my eyes are really watery and they are telling me to stop now!
Until next time!

Sisters, friends, life.

People are placed into our lives and then taken out of them for specific reasons.-This is something I try to remember daily.
Also, there are the seldom few that aren't taken out of your life, and there's definitely reason for that as well. It takes time to see this, and also constant self-reminder. We lose touch with people, and grow distant. We make closer to others we hadn't exactly seen ourselves being friends with, but they fill another slot in the things we are going through in life.
All of our friends have more purpose than the general things like a shoulder, or someone to "be there". Each person has a lesson, a quality of personality, and/or a new perspective something that makes us view life with a broader mind.
Sometimes I think things like, " I miss when I used to have more personal conversations with this individual," or "I wish I felt closer to this other person," but the truth is, if things had been differently, you might not have gotten to know someone else's stories and experienced things with them.
I'm at constant battle even with myself sometimes; why can't I be this strong person I once was, who didn't let others control her emotions, but in reality, I'm still that strong person, but I'm learning the weaker qualities that deep down I still need to work on. I talk about myself as if I'm this independent, wise elder, when really I'm still young, growing, learning, somewhat dependent on others in my life person.
I seek friends that are going to not only life me up in time of need, but also that will tell me how it is when I'm being ridiculous and I need to take a breather.
Also, taking time to write is completely necessary.

New Year! Happy 2011!

It's a NEW FREAKIN' YEAR! WOOT!
I'm happy because I honestly love beginnings!

I'm happy because I have decided/ realized a lot of ways to live my life from now on.

I have the power. This seems a little satanic but I want to make it true.
- Others do not have this "power" to control the way I live my life, or the way I feel as a person. I will not feel broken. I will not manipulated. I will not feel as if I am the only one giving and not receiving.
I am going to stick up for me. I am going to see the world as not only somewhere where I can create myself, but also shield myself against things that might shape me in crooked ways.
I am not going to let ANYONE make me feel vulnerable and less than amazing. If I feel any less than amazing it will be because I will have done something that isn't up to standard at how I carry myself; with class, dignity, self-respect, and love for others.
I am only one person. I can not possibly make ever person in my life happy. I need to focus more on making myself happy. I used to tell myself that the only way I could be happy, was by making everyone happy, but I need to live as if I am there to love everything around me. Maybe reading the "Serenity Prayer" will help with that, as in that there are some things that we have no control over and we have to accept that.
I love my friends, I love my family. I am going to practice showing them in healthy ways where I do not feel like I have to try to make everything perfect.

I am happy that I have so much support in my life. I can do anything. I am not only in control, but I am in control while being backed up with so much love and belief that I know that the moment I start slipping, I have those hands to catch me.

I could go on and on... there are little other things I have decided as well, but I'll share later on. The big, broad picture is there.
THIS YEAR.... IS ABOUT ME!
<3