It amazes me to read my past posts and see how fast life changes.
I'm so over those feelings I had before; my new boy made it so easy.
He's a lot more perfect, and he's never a jerk. We talk everything out, and we have similar philosophy's on life. He's very intelligent, actually quite a nerd, and I think that if anything, we can be amazing friends. It's hard sometimes, to just give him my all because I know in 3 weeks, we will go our separate ways 6 hours from each other. We've talked about it, and we are willing to give it the best shot we have. Right now, I'm in that stage where it's still butterflies and laughter. It's perfect and I love it. I'm living in the moment, and trying not to let the future affect it.
It's a light rain out tonight, and it's a nice sound to fall asleep to.
I'm a little shaky right now for many reasons. One might be the insane amounts of coffee I've had. Another being the happiness inside me right now. The last reason being because I'm tired.

I know a lot about happiness and realized tonight that spreading it globally is what I want to create an organization to do so.
Hooka Bars are great and very relaxing. It's such a nice atmosphere to just be with people you care about and want to have a good time with.
My heart is racing, I wish that it would slow down so that I could sleep.
Time to shut my laptop and listen to some Missy Higgins. Sleep.

Home again...

Life isn't so much a box of chocolates... it isn't always sweet.
Yes, this is exactly the opposite of the title of my blog, but in order to find happiness, you have to weed out the pessimist within yourself.
He turned out to not be who I expected, or at least not under stress. I pulled the "friends" move, and now I miss him. I'm not really sure if this is how it's supposed to feel, but it does.
I miss Murray in general, and my Murray family. It's not even been a full 7 days yet. I think I talk about school too much when I'm home.
Then there is this other guy. He's kind of perfect seeming too. I'm beginning to realize that first impressions are not the best things to judge. He makes me smile for sure. I'm just going to play life as it comes.
Kathryn is the best friend anyone could ever ask for and I learn so much about myself through talking with her. We've been friends for 10 years now, and I wouldn't take one back. She is always there for me, and I'm always there for her. It's so nice to know that she's there.
I am trying to breathe deep. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time at home.
I can't wait for everyone to get home Friday.
It's pretty late for me, but I'm still not tired. My brain is moving too fast to relax. I'm going to close my eyes and try to think of days when I was younger and so pure. I want to dream of my grandparents apartment. I can almost remember the smell and I can vividly remember the sounds. Time for sleep.

First semester is almost over.
It's really hard to write for fun in college, but I mean, writing is always fun. ;)
I think this one has potential. He is funny, a jerk in a good way, and really cute. He tries to act tough, but he shows me respect. I am trying not to fall yet, but sometimes I just can't help it. I denied that I liked him for so long... just to find out that he liked me too. Pretty much makes me smile a lot.
I wish that we could hang out on this break, but I know a little distance will be good. I did spend pretty much a full 24 hours with him before I came home.
Okay, enough about that.
I'm great by myself. I picked out classes for next semester and besides the times they are at, they seem pretty amazing. You can't get everything you want. :)
My group of friends amazes me everyday with how great and supportive they are. I feel like I can depend on all of them easily. As Lanna would put it, we are one great big dysfunctional loving family. Hehe.
It's nice to be home with my Saint Louis friends though. They are great too. I couldn't live without them, and catching up with them makes me light up.
The holidays are here; enjoy!

-brief

I finally cried for the first time in college yesterday.
It wasn't over a boy either.
It was because it's so hard to see my brother and sister going through such difficult times in their lives, and I can't do anything to make it better. I want to see them happy again. I want to see their smiling faces. I miss them.
My days are stressful, but with people whom I care about mostly. I have learned to talk out issues, to start dealing with my roommate's passive-aggressiveness, and how I manage time for work and fun. Mostly I just try to do both at the same time.
I'm okay that I'm the nerd who always does her homework while we are watching movies.
My shoulder is acting up again, I can't type any more.
I'll write later.

Lost

I'm a little lost today.
I'd love to blame it on the weather, but honestly it's a little more comp
I feel closer to my roommate than ever, and that makes me smile.
I don't like how guys are affecting my friends attitudes toward life. I don't understand how someone can just make you want to stop living life. Living life more than just a serious of actions with glazed over eyes.
I like to pretend I don't. I miss him. I miss the person who I fool myself to love everyday. It's hard to grasp how he really feels. When we are together, it's amazing. When we aren't, it's terrible. I can't keep doing this.
It hurts to act like everything is okay; I don't have time to cry in college.
Today I couldn't stop thinking about this whole situation. I kept thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't always waiting for someone who isn't waiting for me.
I never have regrets, but I wonder how different things would be.
Most of the time, I justify missing him because I don't have anyone else to care about, but I can't.
I have this wall. It's not letting anyone in. I can't trust anyone else, and that's not beneficial to anyone.
And then there is this other person who I feel like I want to let it.
It's just not plausible though; he would never consider me an option like that.
I seriously feel like a pre-teen right now writing this, but I needed to get it out. I have no idea who I could even say all this to right now.
I haven't been happy-go-lucky Kathy lately.
I need a fresh start.
This weekend will be full of writing/thinking time at the lake. It will help clear things up.
So now that I have realized my problem, what am I going to do?
1. Give more chances.
2. Let go of him. It's not productive, it's not healthy.
3. Stop looking for "him", start looking for me.
4. Cry.
5.Focus energy elsewhere.
6.Work my butt off the rest of the semester.
7.Put down my wall.
8.Stop missing the past so much. Stop missing home so much. Stop missing my friends so much.
9.Become stronger.
10. Believe and breath.

"All we can do is keep breathing"

Homework is killing me a little bit right now. I wrote a paper until 3am this morning.
It feels good after it's said and done though, that's good I guess.
I am very easily distracted and I am having a hard time prioritizing.
I think that one test is more important than the next, and then really the one I put second on my list was the more vital one. I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day.
Not having a phone has been very difficult. It's hard to contact anyone or even keep myself organized. I need my new phone asap; yes, it's a little sad how important is it to me.

I love my new group of friends. They are from Saint Louis too. Emily and Ellen are awesome, and I've been labeled their favorite freshman. I <3 Hannah too, but she is from Louisville. :)

Coming here I thought that Murray state, or 10,000 people was a large amount of people where I would feel a little lost at first. Seriously there are so many inter-connections between people that you know that it's kind of like going to public school in Saint Louis...everyone kind of knows everyone, or at least knows of everyone. It's a little strange, but I guess it's bound to happen when you surround yourself with people that are similar in attitude on life and maybe even interests.
I've been so productive today, and it's not even 11am yet. I don't care that I just spent time blogging because I've made a lot of progress on my paper. :)
I'll write again soon enough.
Until next time...

Labor Day Weekend

Music is consuming all my time.
I still love college.
I found out a lot of things this weekend.
1. Road trips are amazing, but it's expensive for sure.
-It's easy to put 1000 miles on your car when you're having fun.
2.Tattoos are amazing, and very good bonding experiences.
-They are also very painful and addicting.
3. Saint Louis is not longer my home, Murray feels more natural now, and that's strange. I love just being here.
-How can this happen in the matter of about a month?
4. I will always be more of an optimist than a realist.
-I always believe in the best, and don't pay attention to what could go wrong.
5. Life is not about settling, it's about striving for better.
- I know that he's out there somewhere.
6. Procrastinating is not the answer to college.
-Homework has poorer quality after 2am.
7. Outdoors is so much better than indoors.
-The quad is the place to be.
8.Be open to meeting new people, but don't throw your whole self in at first.
-To really get to know someone, you need to take things slow.
9. My roommate is amazing. I'm picking up her Chicago accent.
-a's are pronounced very differently.
10. Life is about knowing when to hold tight and when to have a loose grip.

I believe in words, phrases, sentences, and sayings. I love the idea of effective written communication. I enjoy meeting people who feel the same way about it. I am so amazed people share similar passions.

I am pushing myself hard. Sleep is not something that I try to get enough of. I want to live out my day as much as possible.
I should work out more. I don't really need someone to do it with me... it would just be nice.

Time for a morning nap. :) I'll write soon.

I'm sitting on the quad with my new college friend Ana(ah-nah).
I love this place; Kentucky, Murray, The Quad. <3

I feel like the most of who I really am here.
I'm a studious cookie eating, bubble blowing, picture taking, friend making, music lovin', coffee drinking, partying, tattoo obsessed student.
It's time for the world to follow what's happening in my life, because this is good. This is real good.
I'm ready to learn more about everything around me and even myself.

This paper for English is killing me, but at the same time, I love it.
I need some inspiration though.

This week should be amazing, and next weekend as well: TRUMAN! woot!
Best friends, road trip, tattoos, and birthdays= awesome!

Back to the paper. :)
I'll write again soon.

The first to many college posts...

So, I'm sitting here in my finally fully decorated dorm drinking coffee and blogging while procrastinating to re-check my math homework for tomorrow.
-Yeah, this is kind of how I imagined college.
Meeting tons of new people, loving new faces, and laughing really hard.
-Yeah, this is definitely how I im
Wishing my friends from home were here pretty much every night.
-Not this bad.
I know things will get better. I know that it takes time to make relationships like before, but it's hard. I don't really complain, because I'm not sure who to complain to.
My roommate Alyssa, whom I love, is always talking about how much she misses her boyfriend, and I feel bad. I don't want to seem like I'm competing on who is hurting more.
(I just noticed this entry is very contradictory to the title of my entire blog-site.) ;)

On the brighter side of things, my professors are hilarious, well at least their first and second impressions were good to me. I feel like having homework is a pain, but it will keep me focused. I even found some nerdy friends who have committed to studying late with me.

Also, again about my roommate, I think she is awesome. We don't hang out all the time, but when we do, we have a good time. We are both very open, and we know each other's boundaries. We both buy food, and share. We stay up late laughing and talking in bed when we should be sleeping.

I love my bed, even though it's so high up. hehe. I forget I'm in a totally different place sometimes when I just lay here with my eyes closed. :)

That's all as for now, this weekend has pretty much been the longest weekend ever. :)

Sleep needs to come like the rain on my roof panels. Heavy and fast.

I can't stop.

My body is on a 20 hour g0-cycle.

I feel restless.

I feel like there are a million things I should be doing all the time.

I can't stop thinking about all the things that could potentially be bad, but at the current moment, I can't do anything about.

It's so late; why am I not asleep like everyone else?

I need to be up early tomorrow.

Deep breaths.

I'm on auto-pilot.

Is it Aug.12 yet?

Maybe I'll sleep while I'm in Chicago this coming week.

In and out.

My head is spinning. POUNDING!

I'm not only thinking about him, like a dumb girl, but I'm also thinking about her.

I can't leave with unfinished business, but I don't have the strength to face her alone. I'm not sure how else it would even be feasible though. She wouldn't open it. Either way it's going to be a cry-fest. It hurts even thinking about having a conversation with her. Why did she have to screw everything up? I think I'm a terrible person for saying it like that, but that's how I feel. If she wouldn't had started hanging with the wrong crowd, doing bad things, and blowing off the things that had been constant in her life, such as her true friends and her family, we would still be friends. We would both being going away to college in the fall, promising to keep in touch. All I want now is to stay out of touch. I'm miserable for feeling this way.

I'm starting to realize that this whole "him" thing was all in my head. It was never meant to be anything but a temporary smile in life. It's a reminder that I would very much appreciate a relationship, and I need to stop being so afraid to open up and feel in front of boys. The fear of the hurt can not be worse than the fear of being alone.

One month from today, I'll be moving on. Moving out of state, out of the comfort zone, out of consistency. I'm all on my own. It's time to "Live, Learn, Love"(to which I can not figure out who the artist to this song is).

My fingers tremble with anticipation and at the same time anxiety.

Deep breaths. In and out.

Yeah, pretty much I'm insane.

Change at it's highest and lowest.

It's hard sometimes. It's hard to see life moving and changing around you. People changing especially. It's a part of getting older though. As Meredith on Grey's Anatomy narrated on the show, " We get older, we grow taller, but we don't grow up."

It's so true. We all keep our childish behaviors and needs as we get older. I myself, find days when I crave to swing high on swings, and eat purple popsicles until my lips change colors. I still have puppy-crushes, and I still chase boys too. I have gotten older, maybe a little wiser, but still, I'm not grown up.

Maybe the fact that we never grow up helps us deal with change. It helps keep our ideas young and fresh. We have experiences that we try to learn from, and we grow stronger from having to deal with difference situations.

LIfe is unpredictable too. From one day to the next, uncertainty keeps us on our toes. It's something to embrace and it's also something to be thankful for. How boring would life be if you didn't have to hide from the police sometimes because your headlight goes out and they are just looking to give someone a ticket? What would life be like if you knew who the next person you were going to kiss would be?

There would be no risk-taking in life, because you would already know what would happen. Without the adrenaline of risk-taking and awaiting the unpredictable, we are just humans who follow the pattern of life.

Impossible to love it is, without awaiting changes within ourselves, and unpredictibility of others.

You never know when you might fall for someone. Maybe it's the first time you meet someone, and you've never felt more at home. Even if it really isn't meant to work out, maybe experiences like this teach us what the real ones might feel like.

Those moments we are held tight and lips gently brush our ears are irreplaceable. We are told how our eyes shine and we have the cutest laugh. It's so hard to not want to let go. It's so hard right now to realize that my one special night was nothing more because of many circumstances. To have a reminder of this person hung in my face daily is going to be difficult. I need a distraction.

It's not only the ending, but also the beginning.

This week has been incredible. A time in my life that I will always remember.
My brother, John, and my his wife/my sister-in-law, who are stationed by the U.S Air Force in England, came into town last Friday.
We spent all week doing St. Louis things such as going to Union Station to watch those genius' make delicious fudge at the fudgery, to getting "belly bombers" aka White Castles at 2am.
Sometimes when you live here it's easy to forget all the great things about this city.
There are so many diverse neighborhoods, so many amazing family owned restaurants and touristy attractions that can still be fun if you live here. I mean, who doesn't love hanging out at the Arch riverfront every once in a while?
And to think of how much the city has grown and improved, it's unbelievable.

I not only loved that aspect of this week, but also the family time I got to take part. It was so nice to just have a girl's night in, or a night of barbeque and Ted Drew's and be with people I really care about.
Today was the most extravagant day of all, graduation day. I finally felt jittery and nervous. Ready, but timid. John and Jessica left, everyone else in the world came. It was a little overwheming at times, but really great. It feels good to have so many people proud of you for completing something. I have had so much support over the past four years, and it really showed at this party. I mean, even if people could only stop by to say hi and leave, they stopped by and came in. It said a lot for me. It meant much more valuable than the money and gifts that I recieved.
The night ended with a trip to Walmart with my sister that lasted about an hour to get two things that we picked out in the first ten minutes. Ridiculous! I feel as if they should definitely hold their employees to a higher standard and get some organization in that place. It's a mad house.
Now I'm going to pass out.
'Till next time.
Love,
One of the newest college freshmen

So close to change!

Life has been crazy lately.
I run through all the emotions that exist through a matter of days.
It's kind of nuts to think about, but I think that this is my brain's way of dealing with the ending of this chapter of life.
I understand that I need to live my life to the fullest right now, because I will never experience this again, but I am ready to be done. I am ready to move on, move out, and grow up.
I love the people in my life right now. I feel like this summer might be awesome, despite all the working. I'll make the best of it.
I can't wait for my brother and his wife to come to St.Louis for my graduation! My sister will be here too!
I just heard that Sesame Street has a HIV positive character. What is the world coming to?
I need to do work, I'll write soon.

Leading a more positive life

So I decided to write this not in spite of Valentines Day, but because for a lot of people, next week may be a rough one.. for those who maybe are not in relationships, who have their love overseas, or maybe have lost someone they loved. Sometimes we all just need a little inspiration to keep going. A little note to say, " Be Happy!" This is for you.

You have to love yourself, there is nothing better you can do for your mental and emotional health. Love your body, love your mind, love your personality. When you do love yourself completely, people will recognize this, and therefore be attracted to your confidence and strength.

Don't be afraid and avoid the struggles that you have faced. Sometimes writing these experiences down helps get past them, even if it is difficult to see how you have grown stronger as a person from them. Overcoming the bad in your life is a main step to being happy. You have to see that just like Newton's law, for every negative reaction, there is a positive one.

Sometimes it feels like you are experiencing something that no one has gone through. This can be true, but even so, there will always be people to help support you. You just have to let down some of your pride and ask for it. In a group of 100 people, 67 of them would rather suffer than admit to being weak. It doesn't have to be that way. You are not alone.

Sometimes our worst enemy is ourselves. We think negative thoughts, so we have negative actions and body language. We all love to complain, but never want to listen to others. Sometimes people join in to make you feel as if they are connecting to you, but really they are just becoming negative themselves. It is hard to be friends and care about someone who does not recognize the good they have in their lives, aka, you. Let's stop being Debbie Downers.

Laughter is the best medicine. It can be hard at times to find anything funny when you are upset, so you just have to fake it. Laugh for no reason, smile at the paint on your walls. Close your eyes and think of a tropical location. Sometimes you can be a little crazy, I find that saying Irish wristwatches 3x fast makes me giggle a little when things seem bad.

Music can be a relief too. You just have to know what to listen to. When I am feeling really mellow and sad, I try listening to Mika or maybe some M.I.A. I listen to upbeat music about happy things, or maybe just something I can get up and dance to. I don't listen to sappy love songs, because I know that will just make me stay in that frame of mind. Prolonging the feeling only makes it worse, even though it is very easy to do.

When you are sad, staying alone by yourself is probably the worst thing you can do. You do not feel social, but being with people will help. I have made this mistake of staying angry or sad all alone, and then finally giving in to going out later. It definitely made me feel better to be around people that care about me.

You can't dwell on not being in a relationship/dating. You have to love your friends. They are the people that you will stick with through life if you both stay true to each other. My friends are the people in my life that make me smile when I wake up in the morning. I know how lucky I am to have them, and only wish that I can be that for them.

If you are in a relationship, embrace it. Fall in love, don't hold back. It's the greatest thing you will ever experience. I'm not saying become dependent of someone, because you always need to have the power to make it on your own without them. Make sure that the other person knows how you feel. Be completely honest, respect their opinions, and have fun. It's great to know when someone really cares about you.

Happiness is contagious, and also something you can share. Sometimes it is easy to make someone's day, even if maybe all you are saying is a simple, " Your hair looks good today!". Everyone loves a compliment or two. Throw them out there, don't get carried away and lie, but if you can, share your smile please. Sometimes hugs can be a way to share your smile too, I sure know that they make my day brighter. Seriously, watch this video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 <<<<<<<<

Share your success stories. Sometimes the good things you do for people inspire others to do so also.

You are special, you are unique. You have something that people love. Don't be afraid to open that up to the world. Meet new people. Share what you have to offer. Be crazy, don't worry about what people think of you. Those who don't like you aren't worth it anyways.

I know that sometimes you just can't get past the frowns, past the tears, past the sadness at the moment, but yes, things will look up. This will not happen by itself, you have to take the lead, and try to see the silver lining. You have to take the initiative to stop the pain in it's tracks, and love life.

If you don't love your life now, you are going to look back in twenty years and ask yourself why you weren't living. Living means being alive with no regrets, being appreciative to what you have, and giving it your all to achieve happiness.

Take a step back and realize that life is not perfect. We do not live in Utopia's where we land on feathers when we fall. The thing to remember is that there is someone out there who can help, who loves you, who wants you to live a more fulfilled life. You may not see this now, but someday you will.

We all have heard the expression, " Live life as if you were dying", but I believe that we should live life like we are alive. There is nothing better you can do.

I release the past. I let go of fear. I let go of hurt. I let go of anger.
I embrace the present. i keep good memories on file. I show off my smile. I keep getting stronger. I see past those negative aspects of my life.

The easiest thing you can do for someone else is sharing this with them.