Lost

I'm a little lost today.
I'd love to blame it on the weather, but honestly it's a little more comp
I feel closer to my roommate than ever, and that makes me smile.
I don't like how guys are affecting my friends attitudes toward life. I don't understand how someone can just make you want to stop living life. Living life more than just a serious of actions with glazed over eyes.
I like to pretend I don't. I miss him. I miss the person who I fool myself to love everyday. It's hard to grasp how he really feels. When we are together, it's amazing. When we aren't, it's terrible. I can't keep doing this.
It hurts to act like everything is okay; I don't have time to cry in college.
Today I couldn't stop thinking about this whole situation. I kept thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't always waiting for someone who isn't waiting for me.
I never have regrets, but I wonder how different things would be.
Most of the time, I justify missing him because I don't have anyone else to care about, but I can't.
I have this wall. It's not letting anyone in. I can't trust anyone else, and that's not beneficial to anyone.
And then there is this other person who I feel like I want to let it.
It's just not plausible though; he would never consider me an option like that.
I seriously feel like a pre-teen right now writing this, but I needed to get it out. I have no idea who I could even say all this to right now.
I haven't been happy-go-lucky Kathy lately.
I need a fresh start.
This weekend will be full of writing/thinking time at the lake. It will help clear things up.
So now that I have realized my problem, what am I going to do?
1. Give more chances.
2. Let go of him. It's not productive, it's not healthy.
3. Stop looking for "him", start looking for me.
4. Cry.
5.Focus energy elsewhere.
6.Work my butt off the rest of the semester.
7.Put down my wall.
8.Stop missing the past so much. Stop missing home so much. Stop missing my friends so much.
9.Become stronger.
10. Believe and breath.

"All we can do is keep breathing"