Sleep needs to come like the rain on my roof panels. Heavy and fast.

I can't stop.

My body is on a 20 hour g0-cycle.

I feel restless.

I feel like there are a million things I should be doing all the time.

I can't stop thinking about all the things that could potentially be bad, but at the current moment, I can't do anything about.

It's so late; why am I not asleep like everyone else?

I need to be up early tomorrow.

Deep breaths.

I'm on auto-pilot.

Is it Aug.12 yet?

Maybe I'll sleep while I'm in Chicago this coming week.

In and out.

My head is spinning. POUNDING!

I'm not only thinking about him, like a dumb girl, but I'm also thinking about her.

I can't leave with unfinished business, but I don't have the strength to face her alone. I'm not sure how else it would even be feasible though. She wouldn't open it. Either way it's going to be a cry-fest. It hurts even thinking about having a conversation with her. Why did she have to screw everything up? I think I'm a terrible person for saying it like that, but that's how I feel. If she wouldn't had started hanging with the wrong crowd, doing bad things, and blowing off the things that had been constant in her life, such as her true friends and her family, we would still be friends. We would both being going away to college in the fall, promising to keep in touch. All I want now is to stay out of touch. I'm miserable for feeling this way.

I'm starting to realize that this whole "him" thing was all in my head. It was never meant to be anything but a temporary smile in life. It's a reminder that I would very much appreciate a relationship, and I need to stop being so afraid to open up and feel in front of boys. The fear of the hurt can not be worse than the fear of being alone.

One month from today, I'll be moving on. Moving out of state, out of the comfort zone, out of consistency. I'm all on my own. It's time to "Live, Learn, Love"(to which I can not figure out who the artist to this song is).

My fingers tremble with anticipation and at the same time anxiety.

Deep breaths. In and out.

Yeah, pretty much I'm insane.

Change at it's highest and lowest.

It's hard sometimes. It's hard to see life moving and changing around you. People changing especially. It's a part of getting older though. As Meredith on Grey's Anatomy narrated on the show, " We get older, we grow taller, but we don't grow up."

It's so true. We all keep our childish behaviors and needs as we get older. I myself, find days when I crave to swing high on swings, and eat purple popsicles until my lips change colors. I still have puppy-crushes, and I still chase boys too. I have gotten older, maybe a little wiser, but still, I'm not grown up.

Maybe the fact that we never grow up helps us deal with change. It helps keep our ideas young and fresh. We have experiences that we try to learn from, and we grow stronger from having to deal with difference situations.

LIfe is unpredictable too. From one day to the next, uncertainty keeps us on our toes. It's something to embrace and it's also something to be thankful for. How boring would life be if you didn't have to hide from the police sometimes because your headlight goes out and they are just looking to give someone a ticket? What would life be like if you knew who the next person you were going to kiss would be?

There would be no risk-taking in life, because you would already know what would happen. Without the adrenaline of risk-taking and awaiting the unpredictable, we are just humans who follow the pattern of life.

Impossible to love it is, without awaiting changes within ourselves, and unpredictibility of others.

You never know when you might fall for someone. Maybe it's the first time you meet someone, and you've never felt more at home. Even if it really isn't meant to work out, maybe experiences like this teach us what the real ones might feel like.

Those moments we are held tight and lips gently brush our ears are irreplaceable. We are told how our eyes shine and we have the cutest laugh. It's so hard to not want to let go. It's so hard right now to realize that my one special night was nothing more because of many circumstances. To have a reminder of this person hung in my face daily is going to be difficult. I need a distraction.

It's not only the ending, but also the beginning.

This week has been incredible. A time in my life that I will always remember.
My brother, John, and my his wife/my sister-in-law, who are stationed by the U.S Air Force in England, came into town last Friday.
We spent all week doing St. Louis things such as going to Union Station to watch those genius' make delicious fudge at the fudgery, to getting "belly bombers" aka White Castles at 2am.
Sometimes when you live here it's easy to forget all the great things about this city.
There are so many diverse neighborhoods, so many amazing family owned restaurants and touristy attractions that can still be fun if you live here. I mean, who doesn't love hanging out at the Arch riverfront every once in a while?
And to think of how much the city has grown and improved, it's unbelievable.

I not only loved that aspect of this week, but also the family time I got to take part. It was so nice to just have a girl's night in, or a night of barbeque and Ted Drew's and be with people I really care about.
Today was the most extravagant day of all, graduation day. I finally felt jittery and nervous. Ready, but timid. John and Jessica left, everyone else in the world came. It was a little overwheming at times, but really great. It feels good to have so many people proud of you for completing something. I have had so much support over the past four years, and it really showed at this party. I mean, even if people could only stop by to say hi and leave, they stopped by and came in. It said a lot for me. It meant much more valuable than the money and gifts that I recieved.
The night ended with a trip to Walmart with my sister that lasted about an hour to get two things that we picked out in the first ten minutes. Ridiculous! I feel as if they should definitely hold their employees to a higher standard and get some organization in that place. It's a mad house.
Now I'm going to pass out.
'Till next time.
Love,
One of the newest college freshmen

So close to change!

Life has been crazy lately.
I run through all the emotions that exist through a matter of days.
It's kind of nuts to think about, but I think that this is my brain's way of dealing with the ending of this chapter of life.
I understand that I need to live my life to the fullest right now, because I will never experience this again, but I am ready to be done. I am ready to move on, move out, and grow up.
I love the people in my life right now. I feel like this summer might be awesome, despite all the working. I'll make the best of it.
I can't wait for my brother and his wife to come to St.Louis for my graduation! My sister will be here too!
I just heard that Sesame Street has a HIV positive character. What is the world coming to?
I need to do work, I'll write soon.

Leading a more positive life

So I decided to write this not in spite of Valentines Day, but because for a lot of people, next week may be a rough one.. for those who maybe are not in relationships, who have their love overseas, or maybe have lost someone they loved. Sometimes we all just need a little inspiration to keep going. A little note to say, " Be Happy!" This is for you.

You have to love yourself, there is nothing better you can do for your mental and emotional health. Love your body, love your mind, love your personality. When you do love yourself completely, people will recognize this, and therefore be attracted to your confidence and strength.

Don't be afraid and avoid the struggles that you have faced. Sometimes writing these experiences down helps get past them, even if it is difficult to see how you have grown stronger as a person from them. Overcoming the bad in your life is a main step to being happy. You have to see that just like Newton's law, for every negative reaction, there is a positive one.

Sometimes it feels like you are experiencing something that no one has gone through. This can be true, but even so, there will always be people to help support you. You just have to let down some of your pride and ask for it. In a group of 100 people, 67 of them would rather suffer than admit to being weak. It doesn't have to be that way. You are not alone.

Sometimes our worst enemy is ourselves. We think negative thoughts, so we have negative actions and body language. We all love to complain, but never want to listen to others. Sometimes people join in to make you feel as if they are connecting to you, but really they are just becoming negative themselves. It is hard to be friends and care about someone who does not recognize the good they have in their lives, aka, you. Let's stop being Debbie Downers.

Laughter is the best medicine. It can be hard at times to find anything funny when you are upset, so you just have to fake it. Laugh for no reason, smile at the paint on your walls. Close your eyes and think of a tropical location. Sometimes you can be a little crazy, I find that saying Irish wristwatches 3x fast makes me giggle a little when things seem bad.

Music can be a relief too. You just have to know what to listen to. When I am feeling really mellow and sad, I try listening to Mika or maybe some M.I.A. I listen to upbeat music about happy things, or maybe just something I can get up and dance to. I don't listen to sappy love songs, because I know that will just make me stay in that frame of mind. Prolonging the feeling only makes it worse, even though it is very easy to do.

When you are sad, staying alone by yourself is probably the worst thing you can do. You do not feel social, but being with people will help. I have made this mistake of staying angry or sad all alone, and then finally giving in to going out later. It definitely made me feel better to be around people that care about me.

You can't dwell on not being in a relationship/dating. You have to love your friends. They are the people that you will stick with through life if you both stay true to each other. My friends are the people in my life that make me smile when I wake up in the morning. I know how lucky I am to have them, and only wish that I can be that for them.

If you are in a relationship, embrace it. Fall in love, don't hold back. It's the greatest thing you will ever experience. I'm not saying become dependent of someone, because you always need to have the power to make it on your own without them. Make sure that the other person knows how you feel. Be completely honest, respect their opinions, and have fun. It's great to know when someone really cares about you.

Happiness is contagious, and also something you can share. Sometimes it is easy to make someone's day, even if maybe all you are saying is a simple, " Your hair looks good today!". Everyone loves a compliment or two. Throw them out there, don't get carried away and lie, but if you can, share your smile please. Sometimes hugs can be a way to share your smile too, I sure know that they make my day brighter. Seriously, watch this video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 <<<<<<<<

Share your success stories. Sometimes the good things you do for people inspire others to do so also.

You are special, you are unique. You have something that people love. Don't be afraid to open that up to the world. Meet new people. Share what you have to offer. Be crazy, don't worry about what people think of you. Those who don't like you aren't worth it anyways.

I know that sometimes you just can't get past the frowns, past the tears, past the sadness at the moment, but yes, things will look up. This will not happen by itself, you have to take the lead, and try to see the silver lining. You have to take the initiative to stop the pain in it's tracks, and love life.

If you don't love your life now, you are going to look back in twenty years and ask yourself why you weren't living. Living means being alive with no regrets, being appreciative to what you have, and giving it your all to achieve happiness.

Take a step back and realize that life is not perfect. We do not live in Utopia's where we land on feathers when we fall. The thing to remember is that there is someone out there who can help, who loves you, who wants you to live a more fulfilled life. You may not see this now, but someday you will.

We all have heard the expression, " Live life as if you were dying", but I believe that we should live life like we are alive. There is nothing better you can do.

I release the past. I let go of fear. I let go of hurt. I let go of anger.
I embrace the present. i keep good memories on file. I show off my smile. I keep getting stronger. I see past those negative aspects of my life.

The easiest thing you can do for someone else is sharing this with them.