Happy New Year!

It's a new year! I'm at the point in my life where I'm not wishing for change, but I'm wishing for consistency. I'm wishing for patience and trust that all things must have purpose.
I'm believing in myself, I'm believing in others, and most importantly I'm believing in the idea of believing.[That word sure gets exhausting after typing it so many times] If you have a positive outlook on how things can work out, you are more likely to give life your 100% effort.

This is going to be a great year, and I don't have a lot more to say than that.

Eric makes me very happy and I've had an amazing break.
New Year's Eve is sometimes a good holiday.

It amazes me to read my past posts and see how fast life changes.
I'm so over those feelings I had before; my new boy made it so easy.
He's a lot more perfect, and he's never a jerk. We talk everything out, and we have similar philosophy's on life. He's very intelligent, actually quite a nerd, and I think that if anything, we can be amazing friends. It's hard sometimes, to just give him my all because I know in 3 weeks, we will go our separate ways 6 hours from each other. We've talked about it, and we are willing to give it the best shot we have. Right now, I'm in that stage where it's still butterflies and laughter. It's perfect and I love it. I'm living in the moment, and trying not to let the future affect it.
It's a light rain out tonight, and it's a nice sound to fall asleep to.
I'm a little shaky right now for many reasons. One might be the insane amounts of coffee I've had. Another being the happiness inside me right now. The last reason being because I'm tired.

I know a lot about happiness and realized tonight that spreading it globally is what I want to create an organization to do so.
Hooka Bars are great and very relaxing. It's such a nice atmosphere to just be with people you care about and want to have a good time with.
My heart is racing, I wish that it would slow down so that I could sleep.
Time to shut my laptop and listen to some Missy Higgins. Sleep.

Home again...

Life isn't so much a box of chocolates... it isn't always sweet.
Yes, this is exactly the opposite of the title of my blog, but in order to find happiness, you have to weed out the pessimist within yourself.
He turned out to not be who I expected, or at least not under stress. I pulled the "friends" move, and now I miss him. I'm not really sure if this is how it's supposed to feel, but it does.
I miss Murray in general, and my Murray family. It's not even been a full 7 days yet. I think I talk about school too much when I'm home.
Then there is this other guy. He's kind of perfect seeming too. I'm beginning to realize that first impressions are not the best things to judge. He makes me smile for sure. I'm just going to play life as it comes.
Kathryn is the best friend anyone could ever ask for and I learn so much about myself through talking with her. We've been friends for 10 years now, and I wouldn't take one back. She is always there for me, and I'm always there for her. It's so nice to know that she's there.
I am trying to breathe deep. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time at home.
I can't wait for everyone to get home Friday.
It's pretty late for me, but I'm still not tired. My brain is moving too fast to relax. I'm going to close my eyes and try to think of days when I was younger and so pure. I want to dream of my grandparents apartment. I can almost remember the smell and I can vividly remember the sounds. Time for sleep.

First semester is almost over.
It's really hard to write for fun in college, but I mean, writing is always fun. ;)
I think this one has potential. He is funny, a jerk in a good way, and really cute. He tries to act tough, but he shows me respect. I am trying not to fall yet, but sometimes I just can't help it. I denied that I liked him for so long... just to find out that he liked me too. Pretty much makes me smile a lot.
I wish that we could hang out on this break, but I know a little distance will be good. I did spend pretty much a full 24 hours with him before I came home.
Okay, enough about that.
I'm great by myself. I picked out classes for next semester and besides the times they are at, they seem pretty amazing. You can't get everything you want. :)
My group of friends amazes me everyday with how great and supportive they are. I feel like I can depend on all of them easily. As Lanna would put it, we are one great big dysfunctional loving family. Hehe.
It's nice to be home with my Saint Louis friends though. They are great too. I couldn't live without them, and catching up with them makes me light up.
The holidays are here; enjoy!

-brief

I finally cried for the first time in college yesterday.
It wasn't over a boy either.
It was because it's so hard to see my brother and sister going through such difficult times in their lives, and I can't do anything to make it better. I want to see them happy again. I want to see their smiling faces. I miss them.
My days are stressful, but with people whom I care about mostly. I have learned to talk out issues, to start dealing with my roommate's passive-aggressiveness, and how I manage time for work and fun. Mostly I just try to do both at the same time.
I'm okay that I'm the nerd who always does her homework while we are watching movies.
My shoulder is acting up again, I can't type any more.
I'll write later.

Lost

I'm a little lost today.
I'd love to blame it on the weather, but honestly it's a little more comp
I feel closer to my roommate than ever, and that makes me smile.
I don't like how guys are affecting my friends attitudes toward life. I don't understand how someone can just make you want to stop living life. Living life more than just a serious of actions with glazed over eyes.
I like to pretend I don't. I miss him. I miss the person who I fool myself to love everyday. It's hard to grasp how he really feels. When we are together, it's amazing. When we aren't, it's terrible. I can't keep doing this.
It hurts to act like everything is okay; I don't have time to cry in college.
Today I couldn't stop thinking about this whole situation. I kept thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't always waiting for someone who isn't waiting for me.
I never have regrets, but I wonder how different things would be.
Most of the time, I justify missing him because I don't have anyone else to care about, but I can't.
I have this wall. It's not letting anyone in. I can't trust anyone else, and that's not beneficial to anyone.
And then there is this other person who I feel like I want to let it.
It's just not plausible though; he would never consider me an option like that.
I seriously feel like a pre-teen right now writing this, but I needed to get it out. I have no idea who I could even say all this to right now.
I haven't been happy-go-lucky Kathy lately.
I need a fresh start.
This weekend will be full of writing/thinking time at the lake. It will help clear things up.
So now that I have realized my problem, what am I going to do?
1. Give more chances.
2. Let go of him. It's not productive, it's not healthy.
3. Stop looking for "him", start looking for me.
4. Cry.
5.Focus energy elsewhere.
6.Work my butt off the rest of the semester.
7.Put down my wall.
8.Stop missing the past so much. Stop missing home so much. Stop missing my friends so much.
9.Become stronger.
10. Believe and breath.

"All we can do is keep breathing"

Homework is killing me a little bit right now. I wrote a paper until 3am this morning.
It feels good after it's said and done though, that's good I guess.
I am very easily distracted and I am having a hard time prioritizing.
I think that one test is more important than the next, and then really the one I put second on my list was the more vital one. I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day.
Not having a phone has been very difficult. It's hard to contact anyone or even keep myself organized. I need my new phone asap; yes, it's a little sad how important is it to me.

I love my new group of friends. They are from Saint Louis too. Emily and Ellen are awesome, and I've been labeled their favorite freshman. I <3 Hannah too, but she is from Louisville. :)

Coming here I thought that Murray state, or 10,000 people was a large amount of people where I would feel a little lost at first. Seriously there are so many inter-connections between people that you know that it's kind of like going to public school in Saint Louis...everyone kind of knows everyone, or at least knows of everyone. It's a little strange, but I guess it's bound to happen when you surround yourself with people that are similar in attitude on life and maybe even interests.
I've been so productive today, and it's not even 11am yet. I don't care that I just spent time blogging because I've made a lot of progress on my paper. :)
I'll write again soon enough.
Until next time...