A troubled writer-- how cliche.

I hate to love writing so much sometimes. I get told by an executive vice president that I am great at what I do, but then told by my peers that I need to start over. I write professional pieces, fun and aspiring pieces, letters to myself, etc. I keep writing, but no matter what, I am never good enough. I guess that it's good this way, to keep improving and not being satisfied, but if I can't be confident in what I write for more than a couple hours every couple of weeks, why keep doing it?
Its said that every person goes through a time in their lives where they feel incompetent in their own abilities, but how long should this moment in time last? A month, a year, multiple years?
I know that my career choice in public relations requires me to be self motivated without praise, but as I am growing to be that professional person, I would appreciate if someone told me either to chose a new dream, so that I work even harder, or that I am showing improvement, so that I continue at my steady pace of growth.
I probably take things too personal, but my words mean so much to me. Today, I am ill of little passion. I am ill of lack of creativity. I am ill with a case of troubled writer. Too many cliches fill my sentences and my sentence variety looks like a bag of pull and peel twizzlers which are all tangled but look identical.
All we can do is keep breathing. Listening to Ingrid Michaelson is also a good plan.

Cleansing. -- just a word in example of how hipster I'm becoming

I update my facebook status not too frequently, but every once in a while I'm just needing to be heard. I don't take a lot of time composing them, but rather just put down whatever comes to the top of my mind. No, not that I'm so impressed by the weather or that I just want to lay in bed all day, but just random thoughts.
Today, it was about cleansing myself, inside and out. I guess I just have days like this where I just feel a little bit less than awesome, that things I say scare some people off, and I just want to cleanse myself of these bad thoughts. Most of the time I would say that I'm pretty wonderful, a sincere friend, a genuinely hard-working person. So today, I want to clear my mind, in which, I decided to write this blog post. I should be, as always, doing other studying, but before I go to the gym I just need to make some things clear in my head.
I will never stop being me. I will never stop being quirky, weird, overly happy, spontaneous, laid back(despite what this blog might lead you to believe), passionate, always empathetic, loud, silly, hilarious at least to myself, and real. I will always be this same person, though I will continue to grow out of my immaturity, and embracing the fact that my personality doesn't blend well with many just had to be a part of that. I have people in my life that accept me, and those that do not, they will lives their lives otherwise.
As much as I feel that I am ready for a serious relationship, I am not. I am not strong enough to let someone pick at my insecurities and I'm not to the point yet where I can just feel free to let go.
Sometimes I have to step back and look at the bigger picture. Self-love comes first. Taking care of me is important too.
Enough with this, time to stretch. Spin class! Woo!
I'll write soon...enough.

Iceberg, straight ahead!

Musicals are kind of like the men in my life that I only enjoy having for a short period of time, but when I am with them, I'm having the absolute time of my life. I'm crazy, out of control, and toward the end, needing for things to be back to normal again. After its over , I'm missing it all for a bit, but then I feel relieved of the responsibilities and appreciative of what was there. New experiences, new interactions, and new ways to love the world I live in. Friends, destinations, and memories to last a lifetime appear. Memories that come back to you on a Thursday night and you're searching for that bit of happiness to bring you to Friday. You might shed a tear or two at because of the reminiscing, but overall it brings you back to irreplaceable moments in time.
I love the part of being on stage that you can be whomever you desire to be(of course to the director's discretion)! You can be hopeful, you can be inspired, and you can be as big with your emotions as you can. Every night of the show I try to push myself to make people believe that my acting is my real self. Tears are always a challenge for me, for crying in public is not something I normally allow myself to do, but I try to reflect back and take on apathetic emotions to all that my character represents. In doing such a historically accurate show(for the most part), it gives me more motivation to give honor back to all those that lost their lives, and those that lost love ones on the Titanic. I can't explain how real the show feels in the moment at times.
Tuesday is the first day of the Spring semester. I am so motivated to work out, eat right, have energy, and be happy! I am SO ready! If I don't stick to my laid out schedule, I'm going to tell someone to kick my butt.
Here are a few of my specific goals for this semester:
1. Do cardio at least for 45min every weekday.
2. Do crunches and push-ups 3 times a week.
3. Work on arm-strength to shape my shoulder into a higher functioning one.
5. Take the stairs.
6. Become more selfless.
7. Make a list every Friday of 5 things I'm thankful for in life.
8. Take time to cry and let out emotions.
9. Learn something new every day.
10. Write at least a page every day.
11. Make a conscious effort to break down personal walls to allow people in.
-- those may be just a few of many, but those I might consider some of the most important.

Back to rehearsal.
Until next time, I'll leave you with my favorite lyric from the slow.
"Come say you love me, as I kiss your eyes. Let this brief moment make eternal ties. If tomorrow is not in store, let us replace forever, evermore. "

so... I got busy.

I can't believe that the last time I wrote was October 28th! My life is going by so fast I can't even keep track of the months or the days.

First I'll just update you and let you know that Wil and I are no longer dating. After a very eventful 21st birthday, which I will never forget, the next morning we talked and I sort of let him down as easy as I could in my very hungover state. He was sweet and all, but there was no real spark. I could have tried harder, I could have given it time, but honestly, being in college makes me a little selfish. I didn't see it going anywhere so I kind of had to make the decision to take back the time I would be spending with him and refocus it towards school and just "me" time. Also, I know how it feels to be heart-broken, or whatever you want to call it, and I knew that the sooner I did it the less it probably would hurt. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I can't explain why not, and I didn't realize until I dated Wil, how many trust issues that I had overcome at some point in the previous year that came back to me. It's insane to think so, and quite stupid, but it's the truth.
I just can't look at it any differently than the idea that even the guy (not Wil, the person from earlier this semester) who is willing to risk all he has to be with you will still end up screwing you over and making you feel/look like an idiot. The guy who you have the easiest time letting down your walls to will be the person who makes you want to keep them up more than ever to others in the future. The guy who you had no interest in before he was interested in you is the guy who you continue to think about, NOT want, over and over again.
I see now that he is a shitty person, but that doesn't change the fact that he fooled me more than anyone else to think that he was something so much more than he ended up to be. I think a part of it was that I made myself blind to the situation, which I kick myself for being so vulnerable, but at the same time, he pretended to be someone so much greater than himself. I guess we all do this to an extent; you meet someone and you talk about all your good qualities, and not your bad, but if you're really looking to give the idea of any relationship a chance, you've got to talk about your flaws. I'm not talking about little flaws, such as body insecurities or lack of self-confidence, I'm talking about big, ugly, I-might-hate-you-if-you-didn't-have-other-qualities kinds of flaws. I shared those. If I have to find out about those flaws from either someone else, or from you being a crappy person to me, I am not going to take it as well.
I know I over-think things, but I just can't live with myself sometimes. How could I ever be so naive?
I just want to erase some people out of my life. I think that I have successfully done this in the past, and maybe I still can with more time, but you can never really get rid of memories. They make us who we are, no matter what they are, and we have to seek out a way to bring us strength. I just hate feeling like a memory is making me weaker. I need to find a way for this silly memory to bring me strength and stop acting like it's giving me a broken wing.
I think that my life consists of many days where I wake up and things are just different. I come to realizations in my dreams. I might feel bitter about a situation for months and one random morning wake up and think nothing of it.

So far I have been taking steps to being less bitter. I've realized the situation...
1. Let me get a lot closer to JPaul, who is a dependable friend. Though in this situation we both ended up hurt, we talked and we have helped each other a lot.
2. Brought me two GREAT friends into my life... Allison and Alan. They are precious and they make me smile so much. I can't wait to become even closer to them.
3. I learned that sometimes the only way to decide if something is a good decision to pursue is to look at EVERYONE that might be affected by it, and put that in account to. Yes, it's important to do things that will make you happy, but it's also important to try not to hurt people if at all possible.

I'm not even sad in life, I am VERY happy person, just some songs and some nights remind me of what happened and I feel a little aching of my heart. I know I have so much potential, I have so SO many great people and things in my life, and I can NOT let someone so fake affect me so real.
It's quite too late to continue, but know, sometimes writing just helps me make sense of it all. I feel better.
Anywho, good night all. love is not gone, just lost.

Oh, how things change so fast!

So, to make this blog post shorter I'll mainly focus on the good things in life.
Nate is a douche and we are no longer friends.

But that's okay! I've got Wil! We are now DATING! I can't tell you the last time I could actually say that.
He's wonderful. He's so sweet, always complimenting me, wanting to know more about me, plays along with my lame jokes and antics, appreciates my hiccups, and is willing to work with my through all my personal walls. We both have a lot of self control and know that the emotional stuff needs to be on lockdown before physical things happen. He's a little younger, so it makes me feel weird at times, but life isn't how you expect it most of the time, so I'm running with it! All his friends are great, and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. I can tell that I am more mature than him, just because I've experienced two more years of college than him, and grew up in an entirely different environment, but there are also other situations where I can tell he has one up on me. We have good communication skills so far, so that's good, and he makes me smile so big.
I get kind of weird sometimes because I don't want to hang out with him so much yet, because I don't want him to get bored of me...and so that he has time to miss me. Also, it helps things go slower. I'm in no rush...and honestly I'm just having fun right now. It's fun to be with him, and it's nice to talk to someone who has very similar views on life as I do.
I really need to be working on homework while I'm skipping class. I just wanted to give a short update.
Also, Wil and I are both being lions for Halloween...it's going to be adorable. :D

Wednesday, I mean... Monday!

I should really be studying, or sleeping, or working, or anything else besides writing, but this is what I do. Writing is how I deal with life and how I am sure that I will never forget.

Nate and I have been some intense times since I wrote last. It wasn't as easy to just be his friend as I initially thought, or maybe just wished. I had tons of feelings for him still, and he was at least still attracted to me, so us hanging out was difficult that first week. The next week(this past week) it was easier, until we both had a few drinks. We didn't do anything, we respected the fact that we were going to stay friends, but we were both frustrated, and ended up sleeping side-by-side that night, not sure of what to do. Truthfully, that night probably helped me more than ever. He told me exactly why he is with his girlfriend, and that made me feel good. I didn't want him to be with her if he was unhappy, even if he wasn't with me either. It was a powerful night that led to much drama since it was mildly inappropriate and there were other eyes who saw the next day(again, nothing happened). This drama is still quite an issue I guess, but I'm ignoring it. Our mutual friend was very upset and informed me of how he felt last night. I feel like a terrible person in one sense, but in another, I feel like I'm not the bad guy. I'm single. I was a little under the influence of alcohol, and I made an effort to control myself a lot. I know that I could have said no from the very beginning, but why? I am so lucky, as much as it's kind of messed up sometimes, to have this great friend... that 95% of the time I'm totally chill relaxed nbd with... and then that one time that we felt things again, it blows everything up into something crazy. I am, at the point, almost ready to tell Nate I need a break just so that people stop talking, but honestly, I don't think I can do it. It is stupid and ridiculous, but to be completely truthful, no one else can put up with me for as much time as he does. I guess I'm just at a point in my life where I want some stability though... and this is anything but. I'm ready to just be his friend, and i've tried, but he is constantly saying and doing things to make it more difficult... and they are desirable things so I can't just turn them off.
BUT... I may have a new crush to make this whole situation easier/possibly just adding complication to my life. I would ramble on about him, but I know nothing more than his name is Wil, he seems funny and cute with his big head of curly hair, according to my friends he is super smart(honors program kid) and he has a good heart. I am definitely willing to talk to him, not just as a rebound, but because he made a very good first impression on me Saturday night when we were playing games at my friend Briana's apt.
I'm falling asleep mid-post, so I should probably go to bed.
I feel like there were a lot more things I wanted to write, but I can't remember.
Oh, I started a video blog! http://www.youtube.com/user/Coffeehiccupsandlove?feature=mhee ! It's pretty stupid, but I like it. It's fun and silly and also a great stress reliever.

Night all! <3

Junior Year-- just the beginning!

School has been absolutely insane, mostly awesomely insane!

Classes are good, but I'm not going to write about them really because they aren't really on my mind right now. Just know that I'm taking 19 hours and it is quite a load.

SAI has been kind of stressful this semester, but we had a good, emotional meeting tonight that was very beneficial toward our fraternity.

This past week was one of the best of college and maybe of my entire life. i met someone named Nate Beam, who even though he was already in a relationship, I took a chance to really get to know. Over the course of the week, both of us had shared so many things about ourselves that no one else knows and experienced so many fun times. I even got to go out to the country and shoot a machine-looking bb-gun! It was amazing! I loved every second of it, well, for the most part. It was quite interesting to be played so hot and cold, between his feelings for me and his girlfriend. I subconsciously knew that we would never be more than friends, but had false hope that it might go somewhere. His girlfriend came to town this past weekend and they figured things out. I was pretty upset when I figured this out on my own, cried a good amount, definitely more than I thought I would. I felt like it was just another attempt at something that didn't work out, but then saw that it was a good thing, because I could still have hope that if I was that other girl, I would be able to keep my long-term relationship over just two people having a great week. So I was a big girl and I went to talk to him about it.
We talked, I teared up a bit, but I stayed strong. I told him how I felt, how much it hurt, but how strangely I still wanted to be his best friend. I know that I should hate him for leading me on, or for not picking me, but I don't. I don't hate him one bit, and I can't wait to have a constant best friend in my life I can just talk to about things and have a good time with. I don't think anyone else will ever understand, but as long as him and I do, that's all that matters.
As I have said so many times on this blog, friendships are better than boyfriend/girlfriend relationships anyways( NO I AM NOT A PATHETIC SINGLE PERSON ANYONE WHO READS THIS THINKING SO) because it is just so much more pure and free of pressure. If you are friends, that's it. Plain and simple. You may be wondering how I'm over such a week of pure hope and risk all with a single conversation of closer, and I truly can not tell you. I just know that I have met one amazing person and I hope to keep them in my life, and it doesn't matter to me that it isn't in a romantic way. Life is about so much more than having someone to cuddle with at night, or someone who will tell you that you are beautiful. Life is about having people that you can count on and that can make you grow as a person. You have to have people that will challenge you and make you question things that you may have just taken for granted. This is Nate to me. He may never truly understand how great this experience was for me, but I have grown up a lot from the younger Kathy.
Over and out. Time to catch some ZZZ's! More to write later!