Junior Year-- just the beginning!

School has been absolutely insane, mostly awesomely insane!

Classes are good, but I'm not going to write about them really because they aren't really on my mind right now. Just know that I'm taking 19 hours and it is quite a load.

SAI has been kind of stressful this semester, but we had a good, emotional meeting tonight that was very beneficial toward our fraternity.

This past week was one of the best of college and maybe of my entire life. i met someone named Nate Beam, who even though he was already in a relationship, I took a chance to really get to know. Over the course of the week, both of us had shared so many things about ourselves that no one else knows and experienced so many fun times. I even got to go out to the country and shoot a machine-looking bb-gun! It was amazing! I loved every second of it, well, for the most part. It was quite interesting to be played so hot and cold, between his feelings for me and his girlfriend. I subconsciously knew that we would never be more than friends, but had false hope that it might go somewhere. His girlfriend came to town this past weekend and they figured things out. I was pretty upset when I figured this out on my own, cried a good amount, definitely more than I thought I would. I felt like it was just another attempt at something that didn't work out, but then saw that it was a good thing, because I could still have hope that if I was that other girl, I would be able to keep my long-term relationship over just two people having a great week. So I was a big girl and I went to talk to him about it.
We talked, I teared up a bit, but I stayed strong. I told him how I felt, how much it hurt, but how strangely I still wanted to be his best friend. I know that I should hate him for leading me on, or for not picking me, but I don't. I don't hate him one bit, and I can't wait to have a constant best friend in my life I can just talk to about things and have a good time with. I don't think anyone else will ever understand, but as long as him and I do, that's all that matters.
As I have said so many times on this blog, friendships are better than boyfriend/girlfriend relationships anyways( NO I AM NOT A PATHETIC SINGLE PERSON ANYONE WHO READS THIS THINKING SO) because it is just so much more pure and free of pressure. If you are friends, that's it. Plain and simple. You may be wondering how I'm over such a week of pure hope and risk all with a single conversation of closer, and I truly can not tell you. I just know that I have met one amazing person and I hope to keep them in my life, and it doesn't matter to me that it isn't in a romantic way. Life is about so much more than having someone to cuddle with at night, or someone who will tell you that you are beautiful. Life is about having people that you can count on and that can make you grow as a person. You have to have people that will challenge you and make you question things that you may have just taken for granted. This is Nate to me. He may never truly understand how great this experience was for me, but I have grown up a lot from the younger Kathy.
Over and out. Time to catch some ZZZ's! More to write later!

Summer is about over, but it's finishing out strong.

What a summer!
It's had its bad times, it has had its good times, difficult work days, and exciting/crazy nights with my friends... It has been an adventure.
Recently the two events in my life I would like to document would have to be skydiving and meeting Chase(ton).

Skydiving was pretty much the most exciting activity I've ever participated in. No stomach drop feeling, but definitely a flying feeling that is irreplaceable. Stepping my two feet onto a platform no bigger than a plank of wood at 11,000 feet in the air was unlike any other experience in my life. It makes me want to live life on the edge (literally and metaphorically) more often and truly continuing to live life to the the fullest. I want to go again for sure and maybe even try to do it without being attached to someone else! I want a new adrenaline rush... it's my favorite feeling.
The next exciting/interesting thing I did this summer, actually the same weekend as skydiving was meet Chase. He's my sister Laura's friend from high school. We had breakfast at his house one of the mornings we were in St.Louis and something about him made me want to see him again... so I facebook stalked him and added him as a friend. We talked on there for about a day, and then he gave me his number. We texted for two weeks and then tonight we finally hung out, just him and I. We saw Little Shop Of Horrors at the Muny! It was a really great show and we had a great time! Afterwards, we went to Coffee Cartel in the Central West End for some delicious drinks and some good conversation. Eventually we were both too tired to even make conversation so I drove him back to his car. We hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. I don't know what his purpose in my life is, other than make me think a lot deeper about things, but if anything, I can see us being good long-distance friends. I hope that him and I keep in contact because not only have a read a great book because of him, The Picture of Dorian Gray, but also I've thought a lot harder about my life and some ways that I worry too much about things. I am living in the moment though and happy that I had a wonderful time with an interesting person. If I never saw him again, it would be a shame, but I can deal with the fact that tonight was exactly what I needed to get over the bitterness the summer has caused me to have.

Anyways, time for sleep.
-Living for now because the past is gone and tomorrow is unpredictable.-

Summer!

Driving always gets me thinking.
I drove to Bowling Green on Tuesday for my BlueCotton internship training.
It poured the whole way back, but that meant that I had to drive a lot slower than normal, so I got to think a lot.
I got to thinking about how beautiful the world is, how beautiful my friends are, and especially how beautiful life is. Sure, there are days when I'm just plain crabby because I can be, but the majority of the time, I see the world we live in as something magical. Wearing my glasses helps this as well, because everything is crisp and fresh-looking.
I can't wait for this weekend to get here. I'm going home to go to Pride Festival in Tower Grove Park! I love all my gay and lesbian friends and can't wait to go support them. It's a shame that not everyone supports them, but it's awesome that the can have a weekend just to shove it in those ignorant people's faces. We celebrate freedom and tolerance.

If tolerance was something that everyone had, we would have so much more peace in this world. Tolerance doesn't mean you have to agree with someone else's beliefs or life choices, but it means that you will support that their views are different than yours and they have the right to have them. You support that they believe in something.
Maybe I'm not going to go out and make out with a girl (not that I haven't), but I support that girls can be intimate with each other if they want to. This goes for so many other instances in life as well... I love people of difference races, even though they are different than mine. I love people of different religions, even though I do not share the same beliefs/practices. I love those with mental disabilities, even though they think different than I. I have tolerance. I may not believe in all the partying and obsessive drinking that goes into many college students, but I respect that it is their choice to make. I realize that the world isn't black and white. It doesn't have a "right way" or a "wrong way". Plus, people aren't black and white either. Maybe they have some beliefs that you don't agree with, but I'm sure there are other things that the both of you have in common that they are also made up of. We aren't just 3-D beings, but honestly, we have hundreds of dimensions. Maybe she's a Buddhist, writer, painter, singer who happens to also believe in women's rights just as much as you do. Maybe he's a African American lawyer who has adopted 6 Muslim children from Afghanistan, but also he's into rebuilding victorian houses just as much as his neighbor. Do these things in common make these people friends? No, not necessarily, but it should make them tolerant. It should make them see that these people are also humans and have the right to lead their lives in the way they choose, and they should respect that.
I would love to write forever about this, but it's time for my 8 hour shift at the pool! Oh joy! :D
I'll write soon.

June Nights!

I'm laying in bed writing because I'm not nearly tired enough to sleep.
Summer is going good. The pool is a nice place to work for the most part, especially on days I don't have to be manager.
I just miss my city, adventures, and late nights with Faith pondering life. I miss 5 a.m visits to Kathryn's front room couch to watch an episode or two of Law and Order. I miss coffee-shops and bookstores.
I need to stop sleeping so much. It's going to run me into this monotonous pattern everyday that's going to lead to me being depressed. I realized this tonight when I caught myself painting my nails and playing word games with strangers on my phone for fun. I need something to be dangerous, exciting, daring, or fun to happen. My life is nothing but working, watching movies/tv, and sleeping. I played with puppies and kitties at the animal shelter today, and worked out....but still, that's not what my empty spot needs to feel fulfilled.
If I could just find someone or something to occupy my time, that didn't feel like a chore, I could feel somewhat satisfied.
I guess I was warned that Murray is pretty dead in the summer, but I guess a lot of other factors outweighed that factor when making that decision.
Do I regret it? No, not necessarily because I still have a better job and living situation, but I still wish that we had at least somewhere here I could sit up late at night writing or reading besides my apartment. I wish that my best friends I grew up with were here to get into trouble with me, or that there was trouble to get into. I don't even have the excitement of sneaking in or out anymore.
New goal of summer- get excited about THIS life.
Anywys, it's almost my sad new brain bedtime.
Out!

Summer '11

Hello folks.
I'm hoping by writing this will help me feel better when I have to sit for four hours tomorrow for my CIV class. : /
Anyways... updates in life...
-Finished off the semester pretty strong, grades were decent.
-Moved into an apartment with my three of my sisters: Tatiana, Amanda, and Becca. My room is nice and teal...it makes me happy to have my own space, but at the same time share space with amazing people that I love.
-Got a job at the Murray pool this summer. I start on Saturday!
-I'm taking a 2-week World Civ class that is completely insane...but hopefully I can make a B in it at least!
-Finished Season 5 of Dexter!
-Cried during last week's episode of Glee.
-I'm starting a health-kick as of tomorrow(hopefully) for the rest of the summer.
-I love Green River Ordinance and Mumford and Sons at this point in time.
-I think I need some serious sleep.

I have been thinking about lately, since it's officially been a year now since I've truly dated someone, and I've realized that I am independent and picky, but being with someone wouldn't be the end of the world... I need to actually give people a chance.
I will be alone forever at this rate if I don't even give a guy a single date. I haven't felt very pretty lately... My acne is been out of control and I've definitely put on some extra weight. I hope that swimming and getting tan this summer helps with that this summer.
I think that summer is the perfect time to meet someone because I have no true excuse of being too busy to actually spend time and get to know them... but we shall see how that goes. I feel like the place I was last year at this time is so much different than where i am now in my life. I feel that I have a lot more pride in who I am and who I deserve than I did then...and also how I should be treated by others. I still have a long way to go, but it's coming along.
Okay, my eyes are really watery and they are telling me to stop now!
Until next time!

Sisters, friends, life.

People are placed into our lives and then taken out of them for specific reasons.-This is something I try to remember daily.
Also, there are the seldom few that aren't taken out of your life, and there's definitely reason for that as well. It takes time to see this, and also constant self-reminder. We lose touch with people, and grow distant. We make closer to others we hadn't exactly seen ourselves being friends with, but they fill another slot in the things we are going through in life.
All of our friends have more purpose than the general things like a shoulder, or someone to "be there". Each person has a lesson, a quality of personality, and/or a new perspective something that makes us view life with a broader mind.
Sometimes I think things like, " I miss when I used to have more personal conversations with this individual," or "I wish I felt closer to this other person," but the truth is, if things had been differently, you might not have gotten to know someone else's stories and experienced things with them.
I'm at constant battle even with myself sometimes; why can't I be this strong person I once was, who didn't let others control her emotions, but in reality, I'm still that strong person, but I'm learning the weaker qualities that deep down I still need to work on. I talk about myself as if I'm this independent, wise elder, when really I'm still young, growing, learning, somewhat dependent on others in my life person.
I seek friends that are going to not only life me up in time of need, but also that will tell me how it is when I'm being ridiculous and I need to take a breather.
Also, taking time to write is completely necessary.

New Year! Happy 2011!

It's a NEW FREAKIN' YEAR! WOOT!
I'm happy because I honestly love beginnings!

I'm happy because I have decided/ realized a lot of ways to live my life from now on.

I have the power. This seems a little satanic but I want to make it true.
- Others do not have this "power" to control the way I live my life, or the way I feel as a person. I will not feel broken. I will not manipulated. I will not feel as if I am the only one giving and not receiving.
I am going to stick up for me. I am going to see the world as not only somewhere where I can create myself, but also shield myself against things that might shape me in crooked ways.
I am not going to let ANYONE make me feel vulnerable and less than amazing. If I feel any less than amazing it will be because I will have done something that isn't up to standard at how I carry myself; with class, dignity, self-respect, and love for others.
I am only one person. I can not possibly make ever person in my life happy. I need to focus more on making myself happy. I used to tell myself that the only way I could be happy, was by making everyone happy, but I need to live as if I am there to love everything around me. Maybe reading the "Serenity Prayer" will help with that, as in that there are some things that we have no control over and we have to accept that.
I love my friends, I love my family. I am going to practice showing them in healthy ways where I do not feel like I have to try to make everything perfect.

I am happy that I have so much support in my life. I can do anything. I am not only in control, but I am in control while being backed up with so much love and belief that I know that the moment I start slipping, I have those hands to catch me.

I could go on and on... there are little other things I have decided as well, but I'll share later on. The big, broad picture is there.
THIS YEAR.... IS ABOUT ME!
<3