Summer!

Driving always gets me thinking.
I drove to Bowling Green on Tuesday for my BlueCotton internship training.
It poured the whole way back, but that meant that I had to drive a lot slower than normal, so I got to think a lot.
I got to thinking about how beautiful the world is, how beautiful my friends are, and especially how beautiful life is. Sure, there are days when I'm just plain crabby because I can be, but the majority of the time, I see the world we live in as something magical. Wearing my glasses helps this as well, because everything is crisp and fresh-looking.
I can't wait for this weekend to get here. I'm going home to go to Pride Festival in Tower Grove Park! I love all my gay and lesbian friends and can't wait to go support them. It's a shame that not everyone supports them, but it's awesome that the can have a weekend just to shove it in those ignorant people's faces. We celebrate freedom and tolerance.

If tolerance was something that everyone had, we would have so much more peace in this world. Tolerance doesn't mean you have to agree with someone else's beliefs or life choices, but it means that you will support that their views are different than yours and they have the right to have them. You support that they believe in something.
Maybe I'm not going to go out and make out with a girl (not that I haven't), but I support that girls can be intimate with each other if they want to. This goes for so many other instances in life as well... I love people of difference races, even though they are different than mine. I love people of different religions, even though I do not share the same beliefs/practices. I love those with mental disabilities, even though they think different than I. I have tolerance. I may not believe in all the partying and obsessive drinking that goes into many college students, but I respect that it is their choice to make. I realize that the world isn't black and white. It doesn't have a "right way" or a "wrong way". Plus, people aren't black and white either. Maybe they have some beliefs that you don't agree with, but I'm sure there are other things that the both of you have in common that they are also made up of. We aren't just 3-D beings, but honestly, we have hundreds of dimensions. Maybe she's a Buddhist, writer, painter, singer who happens to also believe in women's rights just as much as you do. Maybe he's a African American lawyer who has adopted 6 Muslim children from Afghanistan, but also he's into rebuilding victorian houses just as much as his neighbor. Do these things in common make these people friends? No, not necessarily, but it should make them tolerant. It should make them see that these people are also humans and have the right to lead their lives in the way they choose, and they should respect that.
I would love to write forever about this, but it's time for my 8 hour shift at the pool! Oh joy! :D
I'll write soon.

June Nights!

I'm laying in bed writing because I'm not nearly tired enough to sleep.
Summer is going good. The pool is a nice place to work for the most part, especially on days I don't have to be manager.
I just miss my city, adventures, and late nights with Faith pondering life. I miss 5 a.m visits to Kathryn's front room couch to watch an episode or two of Law and Order. I miss coffee-shops and bookstores.
I need to stop sleeping so much. It's going to run me into this monotonous pattern everyday that's going to lead to me being depressed. I realized this tonight when I caught myself painting my nails and playing word games with strangers on my phone for fun. I need something to be dangerous, exciting, daring, or fun to happen. My life is nothing but working, watching movies/tv, and sleeping. I played with puppies and kitties at the animal shelter today, and worked out....but still, that's not what my empty spot needs to feel fulfilled.
If I could just find someone or something to occupy my time, that didn't feel like a chore, I could feel somewhat satisfied.
I guess I was warned that Murray is pretty dead in the summer, but I guess a lot of other factors outweighed that factor when making that decision.
Do I regret it? No, not necessarily because I still have a better job and living situation, but I still wish that we had at least somewhere here I could sit up late at night writing or reading besides my apartment. I wish that my best friends I grew up with were here to get into trouble with me, or that there was trouble to get into. I don't even have the excitement of sneaking in or out anymore.
New goal of summer- get excited about THIS life.
Anywys, it's almost my sad new brain bedtime.
Out!

Summer '11

Hello folks.
I'm hoping by writing this will help me feel better when I have to sit for four hours tomorrow for my CIV class. : /
Anyways... updates in life...
-Finished off the semester pretty strong, grades were decent.
-Moved into an apartment with my three of my sisters: Tatiana, Amanda, and Becca. My room is nice and teal...it makes me happy to have my own space, but at the same time share space with amazing people that I love.
-Got a job at the Murray pool this summer. I start on Saturday!
-I'm taking a 2-week World Civ class that is completely insane...but hopefully I can make a B in it at least!
-Finished Season 5 of Dexter!
-Cried during last week's episode of Glee.
-I'm starting a health-kick as of tomorrow(hopefully) for the rest of the summer.
-I love Green River Ordinance and Mumford and Sons at this point in time.
-I think I need some serious sleep.

I have been thinking about lately, since it's officially been a year now since I've truly dated someone, and I've realized that I am independent and picky, but being with someone wouldn't be the end of the world... I need to actually give people a chance.
I will be alone forever at this rate if I don't even give a guy a single date. I haven't felt very pretty lately... My acne is been out of control and I've definitely put on some extra weight. I hope that swimming and getting tan this summer helps with that this summer.
I think that summer is the perfect time to meet someone because I have no true excuse of being too busy to actually spend time and get to know them... but we shall see how that goes. I feel like the place I was last year at this time is so much different than where i am now in my life. I feel that I have a lot more pride in who I am and who I deserve than I did then...and also how I should be treated by others. I still have a long way to go, but it's coming along.
Okay, my eyes are really watery and they are telling me to stop now!
Until next time!

Sisters, friends, life.

People are placed into our lives and then taken out of them for specific reasons.-This is something I try to remember daily.
Also, there are the seldom few that aren't taken out of your life, and there's definitely reason for that as well. It takes time to see this, and also constant self-reminder. We lose touch with people, and grow distant. We make closer to others we hadn't exactly seen ourselves being friends with, but they fill another slot in the things we are going through in life.
All of our friends have more purpose than the general things like a shoulder, or someone to "be there". Each person has a lesson, a quality of personality, and/or a new perspective something that makes us view life with a broader mind.
Sometimes I think things like, " I miss when I used to have more personal conversations with this individual," or "I wish I felt closer to this other person," but the truth is, if things had been differently, you might not have gotten to know someone else's stories and experienced things with them.
I'm at constant battle even with myself sometimes; why can't I be this strong person I once was, who didn't let others control her emotions, but in reality, I'm still that strong person, but I'm learning the weaker qualities that deep down I still need to work on. I talk about myself as if I'm this independent, wise elder, when really I'm still young, growing, learning, somewhat dependent on others in my life person.
I seek friends that are going to not only life me up in time of need, but also that will tell me how it is when I'm being ridiculous and I need to take a breather.
Also, taking time to write is completely necessary.

New Year! Happy 2011!

It's a NEW FREAKIN' YEAR! WOOT!
I'm happy because I honestly love beginnings!

I'm happy because I have decided/ realized a lot of ways to live my life from now on.

I have the power. This seems a little satanic but I want to make it true.
- Others do not have this "power" to control the way I live my life, or the way I feel as a person. I will not feel broken. I will not manipulated. I will not feel as if I am the only one giving and not receiving.
I am going to stick up for me. I am going to see the world as not only somewhere where I can create myself, but also shield myself against things that might shape me in crooked ways.
I am not going to let ANYONE make me feel vulnerable and less than amazing. If I feel any less than amazing it will be because I will have done something that isn't up to standard at how I carry myself; with class, dignity, self-respect, and love for others.
I am only one person. I can not possibly make ever person in my life happy. I need to focus more on making myself happy. I used to tell myself that the only way I could be happy, was by making everyone happy, but I need to live as if I am there to love everything around me. Maybe reading the "Serenity Prayer" will help with that, as in that there are some things that we have no control over and we have to accept that.
I love my friends, I love my family. I am going to practice showing them in healthy ways where I do not feel like I have to try to make everything perfect.

I am happy that I have so much support in my life. I can do anything. I am not only in control, but I am in control while being backed up with so much love and belief that I know that the moment I start slipping, I have those hands to catch me.

I could go on and on... there are little other things I have decided as well, but I'll share later on. The big, broad picture is there.
THIS YEAR.... IS ABOUT ME!
<3

I'm IN!

It's so refreshing to be a part of SAI officially now! I'm a sister, and I have a whole lot of them! I love them all in their own weird ways...
I have never had the feeling until now that even when the whole world is crashing in and everything seems to be going in opposite, confusing directions... it will be okay because I have all these girls who are here to love me, support me, and give me confidence. I don't know how I got so lucky to get Tatiana as a big sister. I feel like even if we weren't big & little, we would still be best friends. Not only do we have so much in common; hardworking, clean, silly, black-men loving, aqua & purple, motivators...but also she's just so helpful and supportive. I love her very much.

I need to write a paper now.. I just wanted to remember this happy night during DEAD WEEK! It's been a rough one, but ending quite nicely!
<3

Feeling odd...

It's just one of those days where it feels like the world is spinning off it's axis.
It's been quite a good day, and I'm not my normal "jumping for joy" self. I don't like it very much. Actually today rocked. No theory, pretend keyboarding class that turned into a private lesson, no symphonic band, and the library now carrying Seattle's Best Coffee... hello!? WAKE UP and smell the greatness of today...I also get to sing with my SAI future sisters tonight for our campus wide American Idol kind of thing, where we are the special guest performers for the end of the show.
I feel so out of it.
I think that I am just stressed and tired. I hope.
I remember feeling like today for a whole three months in high school... just uninterested in everything. I don't see how that could ever happen here, but I don't like this feeling.
I know the next time I look at this entry I might consider myself a little crazy, but right now I'm feeling that way.
Okay, I'm spacing out too much to write more.
Time to drink coffee and get focused.