June Nights!

I'm laying in bed writing because I'm not nearly tired enough to sleep.
Summer is going good. The pool is a nice place to work for the most part, especially on days I don't have to be manager.
I just miss my city, adventures, and late nights with Faith pondering life. I miss 5 a.m visits to Kathryn's front room couch to watch an episode or two of Law and Order. I miss coffee-shops and bookstores.
I need to stop sleeping so much. It's going to run me into this monotonous pattern everyday that's going to lead to me being depressed. I realized this tonight when I caught myself painting my nails and playing word games with strangers on my phone for fun. I need something to be dangerous, exciting, daring, or fun to happen. My life is nothing but working, watching movies/tv, and sleeping. I played with puppies and kitties at the animal shelter today, and worked out....but still, that's not what my empty spot needs to feel fulfilled.
If I could just find someone or something to occupy my time, that didn't feel like a chore, I could feel somewhat satisfied.
I guess I was warned that Murray is pretty dead in the summer, but I guess a lot of other factors outweighed that factor when making that decision.
Do I regret it? No, not necessarily because I still have a better job and living situation, but I still wish that we had at least somewhere here I could sit up late at night writing or reading besides my apartment. I wish that my best friends I grew up with were here to get into trouble with me, or that there was trouble to get into. I don't even have the excitement of sneaking in or out anymore.
New goal of summer- get excited about THIS life.
Anywys, it's almost my sad new brain bedtime.
Out!

Summer '11

Hello folks.
I'm hoping by writing this will help me feel better when I have to sit for four hours tomorrow for my CIV class. : /
Anyways... updates in life...
-Finished off the semester pretty strong, grades were decent.
-Moved into an apartment with my three of my sisters: Tatiana, Amanda, and Becca. My room is nice and teal...it makes me happy to have my own space, but at the same time share space with amazing people that I love.
-Got a job at the Murray pool this summer. I start on Saturday!
-I'm taking a 2-week World Civ class that is completely insane...but hopefully I can make a B in it at least!
-Finished Season 5 of Dexter!
-Cried during last week's episode of Glee.
-I'm starting a health-kick as of tomorrow(hopefully) for the rest of the summer.
-I love Green River Ordinance and Mumford and Sons at this point in time.
-I think I need some serious sleep.

I have been thinking about lately, since it's officially been a year now since I've truly dated someone, and I've realized that I am independent and picky, but being with someone wouldn't be the end of the world... I need to actually give people a chance.
I will be alone forever at this rate if I don't even give a guy a single date. I haven't felt very pretty lately... My acne is been out of control and I've definitely put on some extra weight. I hope that swimming and getting tan this summer helps with that this summer.
I think that summer is the perfect time to meet someone because I have no true excuse of being too busy to actually spend time and get to know them... but we shall see how that goes. I feel like the place I was last year at this time is so much different than where i am now in my life. I feel that I have a lot more pride in who I am and who I deserve than I did then...and also how I should be treated by others. I still have a long way to go, but it's coming along.
Okay, my eyes are really watery and they are telling me to stop now!
Until next time!

Sisters, friends, life.

People are placed into our lives and then taken out of them for specific reasons.-This is something I try to remember daily.
Also, there are the seldom few that aren't taken out of your life, and there's definitely reason for that as well. It takes time to see this, and also constant self-reminder. We lose touch with people, and grow distant. We make closer to others we hadn't exactly seen ourselves being friends with, but they fill another slot in the things we are going through in life.
All of our friends have more purpose than the general things like a shoulder, or someone to "be there". Each person has a lesson, a quality of personality, and/or a new perspective something that makes us view life with a broader mind.
Sometimes I think things like, " I miss when I used to have more personal conversations with this individual," or "I wish I felt closer to this other person," but the truth is, if things had been differently, you might not have gotten to know someone else's stories and experienced things with them.
I'm at constant battle even with myself sometimes; why can't I be this strong person I once was, who didn't let others control her emotions, but in reality, I'm still that strong person, but I'm learning the weaker qualities that deep down I still need to work on. I talk about myself as if I'm this independent, wise elder, when really I'm still young, growing, learning, somewhat dependent on others in my life person.
I seek friends that are going to not only life me up in time of need, but also that will tell me how it is when I'm being ridiculous and I need to take a breather.
Also, taking time to write is completely necessary.

New Year! Happy 2011!

It's a NEW FREAKIN' YEAR! WOOT!
I'm happy because I honestly love beginnings!

I'm happy because I have decided/ realized a lot of ways to live my life from now on.

I have the power. This seems a little satanic but I want to make it true.
- Others do not have this "power" to control the way I live my life, or the way I feel as a person. I will not feel broken. I will not manipulated. I will not feel as if I am the only one giving and not receiving.
I am going to stick up for me. I am going to see the world as not only somewhere where I can create myself, but also shield myself against things that might shape me in crooked ways.
I am not going to let ANYONE make me feel vulnerable and less than amazing. If I feel any less than amazing it will be because I will have done something that isn't up to standard at how I carry myself; with class, dignity, self-respect, and love for others.
I am only one person. I can not possibly make ever person in my life happy. I need to focus more on making myself happy. I used to tell myself that the only way I could be happy, was by making everyone happy, but I need to live as if I am there to love everything around me. Maybe reading the "Serenity Prayer" will help with that, as in that there are some things that we have no control over and we have to accept that.
I love my friends, I love my family. I am going to practice showing them in healthy ways where I do not feel like I have to try to make everything perfect.

I am happy that I have so much support in my life. I can do anything. I am not only in control, but I am in control while being backed up with so much love and belief that I know that the moment I start slipping, I have those hands to catch me.

I could go on and on... there are little other things I have decided as well, but I'll share later on. The big, broad picture is there.
THIS YEAR.... IS ABOUT ME!
<3

I'm IN!

It's so refreshing to be a part of SAI officially now! I'm a sister, and I have a whole lot of them! I love them all in their own weird ways...
I have never had the feeling until now that even when the whole world is crashing in and everything seems to be going in opposite, confusing directions... it will be okay because I have all these girls who are here to love me, support me, and give me confidence. I don't know how I got so lucky to get Tatiana as a big sister. I feel like even if we weren't big & little, we would still be best friends. Not only do we have so much in common; hardworking, clean, silly, black-men loving, aqua & purple, motivators...but also she's just so helpful and supportive. I love her very much.

I need to write a paper now.. I just wanted to remember this happy night during DEAD WEEK! It's been a rough one, but ending quite nicely!
<3

Feeling odd...

It's just one of those days where it feels like the world is spinning off it's axis.
It's been quite a good day, and I'm not my normal "jumping for joy" self. I don't like it very much. Actually today rocked. No theory, pretend keyboarding class that turned into a private lesson, no symphonic band, and the library now carrying Seattle's Best Coffee... hello!? WAKE UP and smell the greatness of today...I also get to sing with my SAI future sisters tonight for our campus wide American Idol kind of thing, where we are the special guest performers for the end of the show.
I feel so out of it.
I think that I am just stressed and tired. I hope.
I remember feeling like today for a whole three months in high school... just uninterested in everything. I don't see how that could ever happen here, but I don't like this feeling.
I know the next time I look at this entry I might consider myself a little crazy, but right now I'm feeling that way.
Okay, I'm spacing out too much to write more.
Time to drink coffee and get focused.

SAI

Can I even begin to pretend to express how amazing my MITing of SAI is going? AMAZING!
These girls make me feel warm inside. These girls, they're real. Real loving, kind, understanding, helpful, funny, happy, amazing people. I've never felt so loved in my life.
I know it's because everyone wants to make us feel great about becoming their sisters, but still. I can see myself 20-30 years down the line laughing and chatting away with these girls.
Amanda W. is the bomb. She's always there for me. She's hilarious. She is very patient with me and these stupid passwords. hahah. She even bakes me cakes and plays in the leaves with me! Tonight we are coloring!
Katie Ruth gives the best hugs ever... awkwardly long, as we say, but neither of us find them awkward at all.- She's my Auntie!
Caroline W. is just the person I strive to be! She's so free-spirited, positive, and motivated. She is a hard worker, is honest, and isn't afraid to embrace her nerdiness.
Brianna loves owls, therefore, I love her... because I love owls.
My big, Tatiana R., is the best. I think a lot of the time she underestimates how great she really is, and sometimes that makes things weird between us. I let her know how much I love her though. :) Partying with her last weekend probably had to be the best yet of this semester. I also look up her a lot. She's so focused and hardworking on her music. She's going to be a great teacher.
Katie P. is my grand-big-sis. She's sooooo funny. I love how honest, and genuine(as she told me I was) she is. Oh yes, she is adorable as well.
I love others as well, but these are the people I'm around most. I'll post about others soon.

MY BROTHER CAME HOME, LIKE FOR GOOD, LAST NIGHT! I can't wait to see him on Friday!!!!!! It's been about two years since I've seen him,and it's been FAR too long!

Government homework, and then coloring... over and out.
<3