I never write enough.

I last wrote on this blog 6 months ago. It makes me laugh to think about how my life has drastically changed since then.
I spent a summer in New York City.
I fell in love with my best friend.
I went back to being his best friend.
I couldn't be happier.

It's funny how people play a part in our lives sometimes. Being open to any situation can help you build the most amazing relationships. Understanding that life is so temporary and not even that hidden tattoo on your hip is something you can count on to always be there, at least always looking the same.
We build our happiness upon situations and people. As humans, we love understanding and being able to know what comes next. The truth is, the unexpected is what will bring us the great joys in life.
Sometimes you just have to let down your hair and stick your head all the way out of the sun-roof to feel adrenaline and sometimes you have to get lost the Bronx without a phone to realize how much security in life you take for granted.
Sometimes when you're feeling sad you have to cry and then you decide: is this something I have control over or is this something that I just have to have faith in?
When you receive an unexpected kiss, don't go home and pretend that you're seventeen again and this person is going to worship you, but maybe they just enjoy your company.
Not only has this summer taught me that I am more blessed than I had ever believed before, but it has taught me to truly live in the moment.

When you're in NYC, you have no other choice than to live for now.
For example, you're running late for work and you can't find your Metrocard. The subway pulls into the station and you're not on the platform yet. You can either take the time to buy a new card or ask for a replacement and be 15-20 minutes late to work or you hop the turnstyle and run like hell to get on that subway and not get arrested. It's up to you to live for that moment and take the chance!

Another example might be you're walking down the street in Greenwich Village and you see a project runway sign and photography equipment set up. You're meeting a friend soon, but do you go over and get involved or do you wait to see what others are doing there? You're damn right, you take that opportunity!

These are awful examples, but you get the point. You take the opportunity or it's gone. You don't worry about the next day, hour, minute, second-- but you're truly living for the fact that whatever happens, you'll be living an adventure.

Was my New York City internship escapade difficult? Terrifying at times?
 You bet.
Was it more amazing and eye-opening than I could have hoped for?
More so than I could ever explain with words.

I had my heart trampled on hundreds of times within the two months I was there-- by my boss, by my coworkers, by my roommates, by strangers, by my best friend. I cried in public; on the street, at a sushi bar, in a theatre, on the subway. My fists were clenched in frustration. My confidence was tested. I let it all out-- and then, I did it.

After I realized how strong I truly became, and how these people who crushed me at times, had made me a more confident and powerful person, I fell in love with New York City.
I was able to fight my self-doubt. I was able to let down my walls. I was able to run and skip and sing. I explored and I let the city become my hidden treasure. I only knew about the things I could do-- not the things I could not.

I had one of the best weeks of my life with my best friend Ben. We stayed up until 4am walking the streets. We got up at 5am to either experience Times Square in semi-silence or to get discounted Broadway tickets. We took hours to make fun of modern art. We took the ferry at sunset. We shared an umbrella in a diagonal downpour so that we could get some of the best cheesecake at 3am to ever exist.

I thought my life could not get any more perfect.

Then he left, back to the real world. Things would never be that way again-- for NYC is the city that makes you feel the presence of love. But that didn't mean that I didn't love him still as my best friend, and that I wasn't so happy that I got to know him on a completely more amazing level. I really did. I really do.

I am so happy that I am to the point in my life where I don't see things and situations life that even as a negative thing-- but I see love as something you can never be sad about until it all the way gone. Relationships are funny like that; one moment you're laying in bed together and then next you're that friend that they just want to get coffee with. Is the love really any less?
I would type forever and ever (and ever) about how amazing my life has become, but currently sleep is the next thing on my agenda.
Probably I'll write again in 6 months time-- who knows what could happen!?

Me.

I'm me. I'm not her. I'm not him. I can only be one person and that's myself. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is being compared to someone else because I am so unique.
I know that I'm taking a little out of proportion, but still, I don't want anyone to view me the same as someone else. I want people to know I'm the girl who looks like a lion and sounds like a cat. I want to be that girl who cares a little too much about others, but still respects herself. I want to be funny in my own way and make my own silly expressions. Life is too backwards. You spend your childhood trying to fit in and be like others and you spend your adulthood trying to set yourself apart and be the only you out there. At this point, I don't want to be anyone more than a girl hibernating in bed.
I get my hopes up too much. I believe that things are happy and that things will get happier. Maybe they will, but maybe I just need to "Keep Calm and MOVE ON."
My heart can't take this. Maybe I'm just a wuss. Maybe THIS is why I'm constantly keeping myself single. I meet these awesome people and then I'm too much of a wimp. I need to toughen up. I need to go to the heart gym and pump it up. COURAGE is key. I actually think at this moment the best thing to do would be to close my eyes for 10 min and think of happy things. Think about how I'm going to get stronger and how I'm going to "(wo)man up."
Foundations "Buttercup"-- that ought to do it.  :)

A troubled writer-- how cliche.

I hate to love writing so much sometimes. I get told by an executive vice president that I am great at what I do, but then told by my peers that I need to start over. I write professional pieces, fun and aspiring pieces, letters to myself, etc. I keep writing, but no matter what, I am never good enough. I guess that it's good this way, to keep improving and not being satisfied, but if I can't be confident in what I write for more than a couple hours every couple of weeks, why keep doing it?
Its said that every person goes through a time in their lives where they feel incompetent in their own abilities, but how long should this moment in time last? A month, a year, multiple years?
I know that my career choice in public relations requires me to be self motivated without praise, but as I am growing to be that professional person, I would appreciate if someone told me either to chose a new dream, so that I work even harder, or that I am showing improvement, so that I continue at my steady pace of growth.
I probably take things too personal, but my words mean so much to me. Today, I am ill of little passion. I am ill of lack of creativity. I am ill with a case of troubled writer. Too many cliches fill my sentences and my sentence variety looks like a bag of pull and peel twizzlers which are all tangled but look identical.
All we can do is keep breathing. Listening to Ingrid Michaelson is also a good plan.

Cleansing. -- just a word in example of how hipster I'm becoming

I update my facebook status not too frequently, but every once in a while I'm just needing to be heard. I don't take a lot of time composing them, but rather just put down whatever comes to the top of my mind. No, not that I'm so impressed by the weather or that I just want to lay in bed all day, but just random thoughts.
Today, it was about cleansing myself, inside and out. I guess I just have days like this where I just feel a little bit less than awesome, that things I say scare some people off, and I just want to cleanse myself of these bad thoughts. Most of the time I would say that I'm pretty wonderful, a sincere friend, a genuinely hard-working person. So today, I want to clear my mind, in which, I decided to write this blog post. I should be, as always, doing other studying, but before I go to the gym I just need to make some things clear in my head.
I will never stop being me. I will never stop being quirky, weird, overly happy, spontaneous, laid back(despite what this blog might lead you to believe), passionate, always empathetic, loud, silly, hilarious at least to myself, and real. I will always be this same person, though I will continue to grow out of my immaturity, and embracing the fact that my personality doesn't blend well with many just had to be a part of that. I have people in my life that accept me, and those that do not, they will lives their lives otherwise.
As much as I feel that I am ready for a serious relationship, I am not. I am not strong enough to let someone pick at my insecurities and I'm not to the point yet where I can just feel free to let go.
Sometimes I have to step back and look at the bigger picture. Self-love comes first. Taking care of me is important too.
Enough with this, time to stretch. Spin class! Woo!
I'll write soon...enough.

Iceberg, straight ahead!

Musicals are kind of like the men in my life that I only enjoy having for a short period of time, but when I am with them, I'm having the absolute time of my life. I'm crazy, out of control, and toward the end, needing for things to be back to normal again. After its over , I'm missing it all for a bit, but then I feel relieved of the responsibilities and appreciative of what was there. New experiences, new interactions, and new ways to love the world I live in. Friends, destinations, and memories to last a lifetime appear. Memories that come back to you on a Thursday night and you're searching for that bit of happiness to bring you to Friday. You might shed a tear or two at because of the reminiscing, but overall it brings you back to irreplaceable moments in time.
I love the part of being on stage that you can be whomever you desire to be(of course to the director's discretion)! You can be hopeful, you can be inspired, and you can be as big with your emotions as you can. Every night of the show I try to push myself to make people believe that my acting is my real self. Tears are always a challenge for me, for crying in public is not something I normally allow myself to do, but I try to reflect back and take on apathetic emotions to all that my character represents. In doing such a historically accurate show(for the most part), it gives me more motivation to give honor back to all those that lost their lives, and those that lost love ones on the Titanic. I can't explain how real the show feels in the moment at times.
Tuesday is the first day of the Spring semester. I am so motivated to work out, eat right, have energy, and be happy! I am SO ready! If I don't stick to my laid out schedule, I'm going to tell someone to kick my butt.
Here are a few of my specific goals for this semester:
1. Do cardio at least for 45min every weekday.
2. Do crunches and push-ups 3 times a week.
3. Work on arm-strength to shape my shoulder into a higher functioning one.
5. Take the stairs.
6. Become more selfless.
7. Make a list every Friday of 5 things I'm thankful for in life.
8. Take time to cry and let out emotions.
9. Learn something new every day.
10. Write at least a page every day.
11. Make a conscious effort to break down personal walls to allow people in.
-- those may be just a few of many, but those I might consider some of the most important.

Back to rehearsal.
Until next time, I'll leave you with my favorite lyric from the slow.
"Come say you love me, as I kiss your eyes. Let this brief moment make eternal ties. If tomorrow is not in store, let us replace forever, evermore. "

so... I got busy.

I can't believe that the last time I wrote was October 28th! My life is going by so fast I can't even keep track of the months or the days.

First I'll just update you and let you know that Wil and I are no longer dating. After a very eventful 21st birthday, which I will never forget, the next morning we talked and I sort of let him down as easy as I could in my very hungover state. He was sweet and all, but there was no real spark. I could have tried harder, I could have given it time, but honestly, being in college makes me a little selfish. I didn't see it going anywhere so I kind of had to make the decision to take back the time I would be spending with him and refocus it towards school and just "me" time. Also, I know how it feels to be heart-broken, or whatever you want to call it, and I knew that the sooner I did it the less it probably would hurt. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I can't explain why not, and I didn't realize until I dated Wil, how many trust issues that I had overcome at some point in the previous year that came back to me. It's insane to think so, and quite stupid, but it's the truth.
I just can't look at it any differently than the idea that even the guy (not Wil, the person from earlier this semester) who is willing to risk all he has to be with you will still end up screwing you over and making you feel/look like an idiot. The guy who you have the easiest time letting down your walls to will be the person who makes you want to keep them up more than ever to others in the future. The guy who you had no interest in before he was interested in you is the guy who you continue to think about, NOT want, over and over again.
I see now that he is a shitty person, but that doesn't change the fact that he fooled me more than anyone else to think that he was something so much more than he ended up to be. I think a part of it was that I made myself blind to the situation, which I kick myself for being so vulnerable, but at the same time, he pretended to be someone so much greater than himself. I guess we all do this to an extent; you meet someone and you talk about all your good qualities, and not your bad, but if you're really looking to give the idea of any relationship a chance, you've got to talk about your flaws. I'm not talking about little flaws, such as body insecurities or lack of self-confidence, I'm talking about big, ugly, I-might-hate-you-if-you-didn't-have-other-qualities kinds of flaws. I shared those. If I have to find out about those flaws from either someone else, or from you being a crappy person to me, I am not going to take it as well.
I know I over-think things, but I just can't live with myself sometimes. How could I ever be so naive?
I just want to erase some people out of my life. I think that I have successfully done this in the past, and maybe I still can with more time, but you can never really get rid of memories. They make us who we are, no matter what they are, and we have to seek out a way to bring us strength. I just hate feeling like a memory is making me weaker. I need to find a way for this silly memory to bring me strength and stop acting like it's giving me a broken wing.
I think that my life consists of many days where I wake up and things are just different. I come to realizations in my dreams. I might feel bitter about a situation for months and one random morning wake up and think nothing of it.

So far I have been taking steps to being less bitter. I've realized the situation...
1. Let me get a lot closer to JPaul, who is a dependable friend. Though in this situation we both ended up hurt, we talked and we have helped each other a lot.
2. Brought me two GREAT friends into my life... Allison and Alan. They are precious and they make me smile so much. I can't wait to become even closer to them.
3. I learned that sometimes the only way to decide if something is a good decision to pursue is to look at EVERYONE that might be affected by it, and put that in account to. Yes, it's important to do things that will make you happy, but it's also important to try not to hurt people if at all possible.

I'm not even sad in life, I am VERY happy person, just some songs and some nights remind me of what happened and I feel a little aching of my heart. I know I have so much potential, I have so SO many great people and things in my life, and I can NOT let someone so fake affect me so real.
It's quite too late to continue, but know, sometimes writing just helps me make sense of it all. I feel better.
Anywho, good night all. love is not gone, just lost.

Oh, how things change so fast!

So, to make this blog post shorter I'll mainly focus on the good things in life.
Nate is a douche and we are no longer friends.

But that's okay! I've got Wil! We are now DATING! I can't tell you the last time I could actually say that.
He's wonderful. He's so sweet, always complimenting me, wanting to know more about me, plays along with my lame jokes and antics, appreciates my hiccups, and is willing to work with my through all my personal walls. We both have a lot of self control and know that the emotional stuff needs to be on lockdown before physical things happen. He's a little younger, so it makes me feel weird at times, but life isn't how you expect it most of the time, so I'm running with it! All his friends are great, and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. I can tell that I am more mature than him, just because I've experienced two more years of college than him, and grew up in an entirely different environment, but there are also other situations where I can tell he has one up on me. We have good communication skills so far, so that's good, and he makes me smile so big.
I get kind of weird sometimes because I don't want to hang out with him so much yet, because I don't want him to get bored of me...and so that he has time to miss me. Also, it helps things go slower. I'm in no rush...and honestly I'm just having fun right now. It's fun to be with him, and it's nice to talk to someone who has very similar views on life as I do.
I really need to be working on homework while I'm skipping class. I just wanted to give a short update.
Also, Wil and I are both being lions for Halloween...it's going to be adorable. :D